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Out side with Suicide

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Out side with Suicide

Postby spacejunkie » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:27 am

I was outside when I heard your mother scream.

Running around, with the groceries she was carrying.

The sound that she made put a terror in me.

I wondered what could have gone wrong.


I ascended the stairway to your trailer door

this was something I hadn't done before.

Your mother tried to stop me But she was collapsing to the floor.

And then I saw the pain that had inflicted her.

I wonder what you were thinking,
alone in your quiet house.

In the fog of divorce,
separation from your spouse.

The gun between your legs
now fallen to its side.
the degradation

of your entire life.


I wonder what your were thinking
alone in your living room.
Eyes silently blinking
awaiting your impending doom.

And did you have the nerve
you thought you might,
Or did you question
if it was wrong or right.

Were you crying
for some one to come and find you.

And then your mother,

Did you think she'd be to late
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
spacejunkie
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Re: Out side with Suicide

Postby Sheena » Sun Dec 17, 2017 2:11 pm

Simple diction is required for a style like this one: not 'ascended' - perhaps climbed, went up.
Rhymes are a distraction and it is better without these occasional decorations, shows only poor craftmanship. The attention and better consistency needs to be meter.
Another one that says nothing, but 'look at me, i feel bad'. A waste.
Sheena
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Re: Out side with Suicide

Postby spacejunkie » Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:01 am

Sorry.
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
spacejunkie
Dream Seeker
Dream Seeker
 
Posts: 265
Joined: Mon Mar 03, 2014 2:15 pm
Location: With in

Re: Out side with Suicide

Postby Sheena » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:33 am

spacejunkie wrote:Sorry.
Not good poetry either.
Sheena
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