Grieving

[gargoylegoil]

I lost the love of my life. Now what?

[BLUE]

You take a breath and if you can't I'll do it for you. You have to give yourself some time to heal. To me Loving someone doesn't stop when they die. Yes it changes a bit but that love never leaves my heart. You live. Even if it is just for him right now. To honor him. He would want you to. To live and be happy. The happy part is going to take some time.

So today we take a breath....maybe tomorrow we'll take 2.

[gargoylegoil]

That's what I have been doing. Some moments are hard. I have been making him proud by keeping busy. Tomorrow I go back to work, now I feel like I'm just going to be working to pay bills.

[BLUE]

Keeping busy is good. Don't get overwhelmed by the bills right now. They will all get paid. Life still pretty overwhelming right now?

[gargoylegoil]

It's not really the bills per say, it's like just working, for what? If it weren't for Jynx, I'd have nothing to come home to.

[BLUE]

You will again. I can tell you to fill it with all the people you love right now but I know it won't fill the hole. Then will the opposite happen? Will you feel like you need time alone. The only thing you can do right now is go with the flow. Can you have a close friend over for dinner? Cook for them? I know the house will get quiet again when they leave but it's a start.

How is jynx doing?

[gargoylegoil]

I had the house filled with my brother and best friend. But of course, they have their own lives to live. His sis and BIL have been by, but this IS the time I want to be alone.
I don't know if Jynx realizes Daddy is not coming home.But she DOES realize when I need comfort. She sits on my lap and gives me her sand paper kisses.

[BLUE]

Kitties are wonderful things

GG you have to give yourself time to grieve. So let it out. All of it. Whatever is in your head. I can't fix it But I Will listen

[gargoylegoil]

Thanks Blue...I'm going out to water the flowers now. I'll be back tonight after this room cools off, I'm in the attic and it gets hot up here during the day. Thanks for listening.

[Lillith]

My thoughts are with you.

Time is a great healer, and the love you had will be the strength that will keep you going.

[BLUE]

Anytime Someday you will have to tell me about me about your flowers. I have a friend who is the queen of hostas

[Nostalgic]

I agree with what blue says.

It's not going to be easy but your strong and will get through this

[gargoylegoil]

Thank you all.....I'm back at work now. Gotta keep busy.

[BLUE]

My Stupid Piece of Information of Today:

Did you know that people at work LOVE when you bring food in. They will swarm on it like they haven't eatten for days!!! Now I do work at a hospital and yes they will eat Anything. Once I brought in a pan of rice crispy treats, they were gone in a heart beat.

[Xwikki]

Hi there, just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. It's hard losing people that you love.

As you mentioned before, just think about what he would have wanted you to do and make sure to give yourself time to mourn.

[gargoylegoil]

Thanks Vikki

[cap1015]

I lost the love of my life. Now what?

GG, if only there was a way to give someone how to cope with what you've been dealt! I hate this for you and wished there was a way to help you.

I can only imagine that it must seem like a dream world, that it isn't real, and then it all is too real, and then you have all of these thoughts and feelings repeat.
There is no right/wrong way to deal with this, but if I may I suggest the following:
* Fight the urge to say "why me, why now, why?" There is no answer that will give you relief, maybe someday you will find this answer but for now it doesn't matter.
* Don't worry about how you are "supposed" to act or be. Be yourself, and if that is sad, Ok, if it is angry, Ok, it if is happy, Ok. Again you really are going to need to take care of "you" for awhile. Anyone who can't or doesn't understand this, can be dealt with later.
* As harsh as this sounds, I don't mean it to be, but this happens everyday, everywhere, all around us, so I tell you that so that, maybe you will feel less alone. Reach out and find a support group, ask your dr., your church, the Funeral Home. Find some people with some common ground. I promise you will get something out of it and it may be a source of comfort.
* As hard as it is, try to "survive" for a while until you can get your wits back. By this I mean don't make harsh, rash decisions, just try to do the basics, go to work, take care of you, take care of your pets. When you are ready you will see it's time to "live" again and you will know that you are ready, so take your time.
* Use this to understand how fleeting your time is and be happy for yourself, you deserve it and he not only would have wanted it, he expects you to be happy, up until now it was his job, now he wants you to take it on.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm really sorry all I can do it type simple words. I wish you the best, i pray for you to recieve respite from the loss and the pain, and I hope you find your way.

God Bless you GG and I wish I could convey how much I wished it didn't happen and that it would be better. It will be someday.

[gargoylegoil]

You weren't harsh what-so-ever Cap......I am truely living the path you've written. thanks for you words of wisdom.!!

[Soulkiss333]

Hi GG
Again I cant imagine your world right now. I loss a grandfather once but had plenty of warning before hand but in your situation it was your partner in life and it happen suddenly with no warning, no preparation, no goodbyes, your world was suddenly turn up side down in a very short time. You are force to re-evaluate your life priorities. I suspect you are overwhelmed, shock, sad, angry, fear, numb, your mind is probably like a whirlwind of confusion, feel disorganize. As for what now…I say grieve, don’t keep it in. Loss of a love one (or child) suddenly I think is the most complex intense feelings of emotion and it is going to take time and all your life you will have sad days here and there but the happy days will return but you must grieve. Don’t think you have to be brave or strong or anything right now because you don’t and no one expects you to be. If you want to be alone there is nothing wrong with that, is it not unhealthy even if you have thoughts of fear, hopelessness, and anger or even wonder why. Wanting to stay busy is ok too but just dont forget to deal with these emotions dont keep them in. I say get mad, cry your eyes out until you feel you have no more tears and so on….set those feelings free, get them out. Yes, cats are great support and comforting (love them) but pillows are too, you can beat them up, scream as loud as you want into them, cry and hug them, they are great. I want to say what you are going thru is a trauma event (suddenly losing someone) I wouldn’t down play it so if you have the opportunity to talk with someone I would …maybe not right away but when things are a little calmer, esp if you feel guilty, or hopelessness or fear just having someone to talk/vent to can help a little.

Some advice…tho I have no experience in this
1. Grieve
2. If you need help ask, don’t feel like you will be a burden to others…most ppl like to help but may feel they are intruding on you and may not know how to approach you at this time.
3. Say your goodbyes. I don’t know if you got to say your goodbyes to him since it was suddenly. Create a ceremony for him (just you) and let yourself say goodbye and say all the things you need to say to him. You can also use object to feel close to him…like that dragonfly ring he gave you when you start to feel alone…look at it and kiss it and may it be calming for you.
If you are not ready to say goodbye then just talk to him until you are.

Ok I am going to stop for now…My eyes are starting to water up. My heart goes out to you.

[gargoylegoil]

Thank you SK. That was very supportive of you. As a matter of fact , tomorrow The 4th of July is his fathers birthday and we always got together to celebrate. I think i'm just going to stay home and be with Ed. I do talk to him, I yell at him and cry for him. He was taken away from me too soon. He was a wonderful man and I love him very much. I'm planning to get a tattoo for his memory.

[LifeChanges]

This is just a suggestion, but maybe you might enjoy being in the company of others. Even if you go out, you don't have to talk to anyone. I think it's safe to assume that they will understand. Ed is his son after all. He lost someone too. His father might enjoy your company.

[gargoylegoil]

I thought of that, but I don't want to keep hearing the crying over and over again. His mother has taken it badly and feels she has the worst grief because she is his mother. She doesn't realize we all lost someone. Ed's sister and brother in law will most likely go and spend some time. I'm in no mood to celebrate, and this is the way I chose to mourn the love of my life.

[LifeChanges]

[gargoylegoil]

[BLUE]

His mom: As it is true that no parent should bury their child. Sometimes they are so hurt they can't see past there own to others. She may get there, someday.

GG you should grieve the way you are most comfortable...even if that changes from moment to moment. Never forget the good times too. For there is never an emotion like having laughter through tears.

Hug Jynx for me too

[gargoylegoil]

Thanks Blue, all of you have been so kind and generous with your blessings.

[SharA2]

Grieving takes a lot of time, my dad died a year ago and I still grieve him, you may always feel that loss within your heart but in time the pain will lessen. Blessings.

[gargoylegoil]

Thanks Shar

[BLUE]

How many breaths today sweet GG?

[gargoylegoil]

Not a good day today Blue....last night was rough not being with him watching fireworks. So, it seemed to spill over into today.

[BLUE]

Yea I figured it was going to be rough Now take a deep breath. There is a good moment coming. Just hang on til it gets here. Anything I can do???

[gargoylegoil]

There's really nothing anyboday can do for me, except lent me vent and give me words of encouragement.
I'm in the process of thinking about a tattoo in honor of him. I have an idea, let's just see if the artist gets it.

[BLUE]

I am all ears honey. So what is the tat of?...or are you keeping it to yourself for now?

[gargoylegoil]

Going for something like for EVer my love
His intials are EV....but of course I want it fancier than just this font.
Then if I can afford it, a heart perhaps or a small dragonfly.

[BLUE]

Oh I like that Sounds perfect

[gargoylegoil]

I got the tattoo done......I will post it tonight.

[BLUE]

I can't wait to see it

[gargoylegoil]

It's beautiful. Exactly what I wanted.

[Jeff_in_Time]

Tattoo sounds like a great remembrance, GG.
Can't wait to see it. :: hugs ::

[RockPillow®]

I'm really sorry that happened to you Garg. :C

I can't really give you advice, as I haven't been in your situation, but I can say that I've dealt with grief many times and can tell you that the fourth and fifth stages of grief are the hardest. Don't let the fourth stage claim you.

[gargoylegoil]

What are the stages...I'm sure I'm going through them all.

[LifeChanges]

What are the stages...I'm sure I'm going through them all.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
The first one was the hardest for me when I lost my mom. After she died I never cried for over a year. I went completely numb and had recurring dreams of her being brought back to life, like a zombie. It was awful. But now I have finally moved on to acceptance It took me a while, but I made it.

How are you doing, by the way?

[gargoylegoil]

I can't get to the web page from here. I'll have to check it out later on when I'm home. His family has to sell the house, so now I have to find another place to live. I have no idea how long either, so my life is upside down right now. At work I'm so-so, at home I cry. I miss his touch, his voice, his sweet kisses.

[BLUE]

Well the housing market isn't moving. So maybe you could talk to them about renting the house. It would give you a place and them some money or they can make no money and the house can just sit there. I still want you in your lovely city

[LifeChanges]

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief
The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief. They were first proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are.

1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

[gargoylegoil]

I am experiencing all ovf the above except for #5. And not going through it in that order either.

[LifeChanges]

That's okay, it's normal to experience them out of order or all mashed together.

[gargoylegoil]

Ok.....here it is

[LifeChanges]

It's beautiful. I love the highlighting detail.

[gargoylegoil]

Will be even better after it heals.