Guests and family in my home

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

I have an issue that is just about bringing me to the point of no return. I mean literally NO RETURN. My kids have moved back home in the last 6 or 7 months. We have had talk after talk about various things like cleaning up after them selves, contributing to the household, not letting the baby wander around without them keeping an eye on her at all times, one has a gf that we really don't like and hubby and I constantly ask her not to come to our house. I have even asked both of her parent's to not drop her off here...etc, etc. So my feeling is that every time that they leave a mess in the kitchen, bathrooms or living room, it's the same as saying "I/we don't give a sh__ about you or your house. So for the second time I have lost my cool and had to sit them all down and say NO MORE! Keep it clean or GET OUT! I have to admit that I was being a bit of a b--ch, but aren't they being b--ches too every time they disrespect my home or my rules or my belongings or my generosity?
I am at the point of "No RETURN" because I just can not stand it anymore. If I actually have to kick them out over this, I may never let them return to my house. Is that so bad? Am I wrong to feel this way?

[cap1015]

It's your house, you can do/say whatever you want. And yes they are not respecting you, your house or your generosity. The question I would have is "why", it seems you have done this before, yes? It seems that there is no consequences other than you having a sit down and you giving them a "what for". What happens after these "meetings"? If nothing, then in their mind and in past experiences, they understand that at some point they will have to have a "sit down", but other than that nothing else of consequence happens, therefore they don't have enough motivation to do anything different. Does that make sense?

One suggestion find a way to make their issues a pain in the ass for them, i.e. don't feed them, find someway to take up using the bathroom for hours, hide or confiscate the remote to the TV, and something that always works........find someway to embarrass them in front of others/their friends for their actions.

If there is no consequences or repurcussions, they will not change, they have proven that over time. Some people, once told get it and do what is correct, others have to have a reason.

good luck

[gargoylegoil]

Kick them out and change the locks.

[JeremyM]

I'd tell the least contributing ones to move out- especially if they are adults.

If they don't care if you are miserable, you shouldn't care if they are either, imo. You are being taken advantage of it seems.

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

Thank you all for validating what I was/am feeling. Yeah, if they dont feel bad, then neither do I.
Nor should I. One moved out 2 weeks ago, another is leaving in about 3 weeks. 2 more leaving in June or July. *does a little dance*

[starreborn]

oh boy. your situation sounds a lot like what my mom has been going through ( and what i went through for a while) with her lazy, freeloading sister, so i can sorta relate. she and i have had talks about the situation, and i've said exactly everything that the other folks here have said to you so far. the bullshit i went through was what lit a fire under my ass to get my house, not to mention that it was time for me to go anyway. before i left, my mom was also dealing with my aunt's equally freeloading husband. when i was still living there, i was paying rent to my mom. however, for the last few months or so that i was there, i told her that i would no longer pay up, since my aunt and her husband weren't doing so. on one hand i felt bad, but my mom was enabling them, and sometimes you gotta be tough with the enabler. besides, i needed that money for other things. fortunately i don't deal with that crap on a day-to-day basis anymore, and now that i have my own place that is officially mine, i don't have to. like i've said, we still talk about her situation, and i keep trying to tell her that she does NOT have to put up with it, that my aunt is an adult and needs to learn to take care of herself and deal with the consequences of her own actions/inactions. however, talking is all i can do. the rest is up to her.

so yeah, skip the talks, be a bitch all you want and not feel guilty about it, make your house an undesirable place for them, and change the locks when they leave. good luck!

[gargoylegoil]

Thank you all for validating what I was/am feeling. Yeah, if they dont feel bad, then neither do I.
Nor should I. One moved out 2 weeks ago, another is leaving in about 3 weeks. 2 more leaving in June or July. *does a little dance*

Make sure they fulfill that.....and good luck to you!

[SharA2]

Like all baby birds they have to leave the nest and fly on their own, you allowed them the privilege of your living at our home, being comfortable and sharing all you have to offer but once that is taken for granted like others have said you have to then make yourself comfortable and happy. They should not resent you-- if they do that will be their own character flaws. Asking them to go does not reflect badly on you at all.

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

Thanks Starr, GG and Shara,

Things are moving in the right direction now.

[SharA2]

Sorry I messed up my sentence a bit but I think you understood my meaning so I will not edit it. Happy all is going better for you-- my mom had to tell some of my siblings a similar thing a few years ago. It was difficult for her too because she felt guilty but she should not have felt guilty and neither should you.

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

Thanks Shara, and I though you said things beautifully in the first comment. Little birds do need to learn to fly.

[cap1015]

Thanks Starr, GG and Shara,

Things are moving in the right direction now.

You are so welcome............wait, you didn't thank me, Never mind.......back to the salt mine.............hahahahahahahaha

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

Thank you all for validating what I was/am feeling. Yeah, if they dont feel bad, then neither do I.
Nor should I. One moved out 2 weeks ago, another is leaving in about 3 weeks. 2 more leaving in June or July. *does a little dance*

Aww Cap, I did thank you early on. But I'll do it again.

Thank you Cap for your input. I think you are right. It was hard for me to do, but they did get the message and some are moving by summer.

[cap1015]

Thank you all for validating what I was/am feeling. Yeah, if they dont feel bad, then neither do I.
Nor should I. One moved out 2 weeks ago, another is leaving in about 3 weeks. 2 more leaving in June or July. *does a little dance*

Aww Cap, I did thank you early on. But I'll do it again.

Thank you Cap for your input. I think you are right. It was hard for me to do, but they did get the message and some are moving by summer.

Hey don't screw up my pity party! Just kidding, I'm just in a posting mood and that struck me as funny and for what it's worth, no need for thanks, my only gripe with most posters is that they never follow-up so we don't know what happened, you are not guilty of such behaviour! Now a question
Have you thought about how it's going to be once they are gone? I know you will be relieved but will it become a point where you miss the "life" that will now be gone? Just a thought.

good luck.......

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

Have you thought about how it's going to be once they are gone? I know you will be relieved but will it become a point where you miss the "life" that will now be gone? Just a thought.

No worries from me on that one. Hubby and I were just about to downsize last fall and we just had our youngest son home. All was wonderful back then. Then like a big rush, the waves of the recession brought them back. I would miss the grand baby. She's learning so fast and walking and climbing, but I went through those stages a long time ago and I just want to be grandma. I have no intentions of trying to raise another baby.

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

So here is an update.

My middle son left for Arkansas last night. Ill be completly relieved when I get a call that he arrived safely. But I have my 3rd bedroom back and plan to start painting and turning it into a study/tv/guest room this weekend. Yeah!

Also the kid that was renting space(more like eating for free everynight) has to be out by this weekend.
I told him 5 weeks ago that he needed to move by the first week in June. So 2 weeks ago I asked how the search was going.
He seemed surprised that I asked, but said he was on it and was saving for a deposit. (it is expensive to rent anything in Cali. Even a room for rent goes for $450 to 500 a month.) But he has had 3 months to save.
So every Wed. he is supposed to pay 75 for the week and last night he doesnt mention a thing. Does not even say I have to cash my check or go withdraw some cash...nothing.
So Sunday cant get here soon enough for me.
Im not holding my breath.*yeah* another one GONE!

[gargoylegoil]

Good news!

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

Thanks *does another dance*

[SharA2]

So here is an update.

My middle son left for Arkansas last night. Ill be completly relieved when I get a call that he arrived safely. But I have my 3rd bedroom back and plan to start painting and turning it into a study/tv/guest room this weekend. Yeah!

Also the kid that was renting space(more like eating for free everynight) has to be out by this weekend.
I told him 5 weeks ago that he needed to move by the first week in June. So 2 weeks ago I asked how the search was going.
He seemed surprised that I asked, but said he was on it and was saving for a deposit. (it is expensive to rent anything in Cali. Even a room for rent goes for $450 to 500 a month.) But he has had 3 months to save.
So every Wed. he is supposed to pay 75 for the week and last night he doesnt mention a thing. Does not even say I have to cash my check or go withdraw some cash...nothing.
So Sunday cant get here soon enough for me.
Im not holding my breath.*yeah* another one GONE!

Congratulations, Krsty. Did they all move on agreeing with your decision? I think it was time and they should see you and your husband need your own space too. The renter was mooching off your kindness--do not feel bad when the day arrives put all his belongings outside.

[KRSTYSTLCLR]

I don't know if it was so much doing it for my wishes. I have had to be forceful with a few. Hubby and I need to have some peace though, and I think we will get it.