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25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

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25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:36 am

OK so I'm 18 and I think a 25 year old guy is hitting on me.

We know each other as friends and we've hung out in the same group for a while now. Everytime we do hang out, he's quite affectionate such as giving me hugs, holding me around my waist and once giving me a kiss on the cheek when we said goodbye.

He also texts me regularly with a couple of flirtatious comments between and our friends tease about us going out. I usually take them as a joke. Just now he asked me out to lunch and I'm not sure whether it's just as friends or as a date. Usually I would think it's just as friends (since I have so many guy friends and I always hang out with them one-on-one) but given the history I don't know.

I just want someone to tell me whether he's asking out on a date. I've said no already cos I'm busy plus I think it's wrong but I want to know what you guys think...
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby BLUE » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:26 pm

Yes darling's he is asking you out. Now if you are still questioning it, just ask him. You could go out and see what happens or take it the easy way and just talk to him. :) :)
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Soulkiss333 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 8:25 pm

agree with Blue

But what makes you think it is wrong, if I may ask?
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:12 pm

@SoulKiss333 thanks for your answer. Ummm usually I don't have any issue with age difference but its more for me to do where each person stands in terms of maturity. Between us, he and I are very far apart in regards to maturity. He has a full-time job as a lawyer which is pretty intense whilst I am a fresh out of high school currently doing my first year in uni. He probably has different expectations than I do which in turn makes it wrong...that's just what I think of our situation. I'm happy for people to rebuttal me. :)
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby JeremyM » Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:36 pm

Nothing wrong with the difference in ages- both of your are single? A kiss on the cheek is still respecting you, imo.

He likes you, and is attracted to you, he knows your age and it is not a concern.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Soulkiss333 » Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:47 pm

Ok that makes a lot more sense to me but even if you thought the age thing was a big deal, each to their own anyone should have any preference (spell) they want when dating someone (legal). I totally get ya. I feel strange when I dating a guy and he seems a lot more stable than me and has a career and I am still finishing school. I dont like it. Not saying you feel the same way, but even if they are not I always feel like they are trying to manipulate me or trick me it is one of my issues.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:01 am

If it's not a date, he would like for it to be. He is clearly attracted to you, but still quite respectful. I understand your concerns about maturity level. I think that's a very intelligent and thought-out concern.....probably one of the reasons he's attracted to you in the first place. What do you stand to lose if you go out on a date with him? Will this be harmful to you somehow? Don't worry so much about the long-term relationship status just yet and have fun with a friend at a free meal.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:34 am

@Guardian7347 Thanks for your answer :) I guess I'm just concerned what he's expecting. He knows that I'm much younger than him and the fact that he's attracted to me makes me really cautious. Also some of my friends are worried about it too. Some are supportive but others are really concerned, one went so far as to say that all he wants is sex. I don't think that's true but yeah, keeps me on guard. I'm not exactly sure what to do if he asks me to lunch again.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby BLUE » Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:14 pm

It's just lunch. Doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. Go, relax and have fun. Then decide where you want to take it.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:20 am

Thanks heaps for all your answers. You've all helped me put it in a more positive perspective. Next time, I may give it a go, still being cautious and see what happens. Thanks heaps! x
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:12 am

You're very welcome. Now relax, be young, and have fun without worrying so much about the long term.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Thu Apr 05, 2012 11:14 am

hey,

since you guys were so fantastic last time: i thought i'd give you a little update on how things are and toss you another question.

ok so i've gone on a date with this guy and it was really good. we hit it off and i really felt a spark when i left.

HOWEVER, last night i went out with a group of us after rehearsals for drinks. he was there too and i hung out with him for most of the night. it was then i realised that i only had lukewarm feelings for this guy.

i'm not entirely sure what to do now, we've arranged a second date on tuesday and we're going to watch jekyll and hyde together on that saturday too, but i'm wondering whether its a good idea to continue dating him since i only have lukewarm feelings for him?
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby BLUE » Thu Apr 05, 2012 11:22 am

Mango :hugs: Ok 1 date does not a commitment make. Go watch the movie. Eat some popcorn and see his things are then. If you think the feelings are lukewarm fir him...don't let yourself get carried away and let it go any further that night then basic second date stuff. Then see how you feel. :)

Sooo...why did the spark go out?? Alone with him..spark. Friends there..no spark. Hmmm. * thinking*
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Fri Apr 06, 2012 9:48 am

lillmango wrote:hey,

since you guys were so fantastic last time: i thought i'd give you a little update on how things are and toss you another question.

ok so i've gone on a date with this guy and it was really good. we hit it off and i really felt a spark when i left.

HOWEVER, last night i went out with a group of us after rehearsals for drinks. he was there too and i hung out with him for most of the night. it was then i realised that i only had lukewarm feelings for this guy.

i'm not entirely sure what to do now, we've arranged a second date on tuesday and we're going to watch jekyll and hyde together on that saturday too, but i'm wondering whether its a good idea to continue dating him since i only have lukewarm feelings for him?
I stand by my previous statement...
Guardian7347 wrote:You're very welcome. Now relax, be young, and have fun without worrying so much about the long term.
I think you're over-thinking this thing. Just have fun for now. Maybe a second date with turn the spark into a flame....maybe it won't. Maybe a second date will expose his most horrific flaws.....like he keeps people prisoner in a well he dug in his basement and wears their skin as a mask....maybe it won't. My point is still that you need to just relax and have a good time as long as you're having a good time. If you stop enjoying hanging out with him, then stop hanging out with him. Try not to think so hard hon! You'll think yourself into the nut-house.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Fri Apr 06, 2012 2:51 pm

haha thanks Guardian7347....yeah that's really typical of me to over-think things and that's some really good advice.

I'll just see how things go from now on... :)
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby BLUE » Fri Apr 06, 2012 3:35 pm

Good Girl! :icecream:
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Fri Apr 06, 2012 3:49 pm

Hah thanks BLUE :)
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:14 am

lillmango wrote:haha thanks Guardian7347....yeah that's really typical of me to over-think things and that's some really good advice.

I'll just see how things go from now on... :)
I'll repeat it one more time (because repetition is a great learning tool) for you. Just relax, stop worrying about where this is going, and ENJOY IT WHILE IT'S GOOD. Let this go where it will, so long as you're happy.

Feel free to come back and ask again anytime you need reminded hon. lol
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:26 pm

Thanks again Guardian :) you really are great...and I'm pretty sure I probs will come back. You guys are awesome at giving me advice!
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby glynich » Sun Apr 08, 2012 8:06 pm

25 is not that old, I was 18 too when I have my first boyfriend and his 25 too and yet we share common interest in life. It would be advantage in your side as girl if the man who is hitting on you is not just in his age he is matured but also he is responsible and matured enough to understand you, remember your still young just enjoy the flow..
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Tue Apr 10, 2012 1:56 am

thank you all for your wonderful advice! :D mannn im all over the place with this but i gotta tell you this....of all people you guys have got to know...

I...CAN'T...STOP...SMILING!!!

oh my goodness...i havent felt this way before about anyone. ever since i broke up with my ex, its like i have always had mixed feelings for guys and i never went through with them and its been ages since i felt this pure happiness and attraction towards someone.

i really, really like him...

mannn the spark is there. the spark is there for sure.

:D:D:D

sorry i just had to tell you guys since you're all know wats going on!! :D:D:D
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:16 am

lillmango wrote:thank you all for your wonderful advice! :D mannn im all over the place with this but i gotta tell you this....of all people you guys have got to know...

I...CAN'T...STOP...SMILING!!!

oh my goodness...i havent felt this way before about anyone. ever since i broke up with my ex, its like i have always had mixed feelings for guys and i never went through with them and its been ages since i felt this pure happiness and attraction towards someone.

i really, really like him...

mannn the spark is there. the spark is there for sure.

:D:D:D

sorry i just had to tell you guys since you're all know wats going on!! :D:D:D
:D Congratulations hon. I'm very happy to hear it's gone so well for you thus far. Sooo...is there plans for a third date yet? I'm assuming there are phone numbers exchanged and texts being sent?
While I'm very, very pleased things are going so wonderfully, I need you to reign it in just a little bit. It's ok to be excited, but don't get too wrapped up into him before there's even a relationship there sweetie. Take a few deep breaths and slow down....I'm happy for you. :cheers:
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Fri Apr 13, 2012 1:48 pm

Haha thanks heaps Guardian, you're absolutely amazing! Yeah I was really excited when I wrote that and now I've had some time to calm down.

Yup tonight's the third date. Musical then dinner. There's been a lot of exchange of texts especially from him and it's looking up at the moment.

Thanks for your advice about reigning in a bit. I think that's gonna happen anyways cos both of us are becoming really busy at the moment (we're both in the same show and there's three weeks till opening night plus he's got a job that's keeping him in late at night and I got assessments as well as a massive church conference to recover from).

All in all, things are looking up :)

Thank you again for the advice!
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Sat Apr 14, 2012 3:15 am

hey...

sorry to annoy you guys again with all these questions but you're all too damn good at answering them.

soooo...third date over now and im left with the question of: why is he not touching me?

like it makes sense, I'm 18 and he's much older and he doesn't wanna seem like some prick who's just trying to get into my pants but i'm just wondering whether he's waiting for me to make the move when it comes to touching??

like do guys wait for girls to make the move when it comes to touching to show respect? or are they just not that into them?
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Sat Apr 14, 2012 8:09 am

lillmango wrote:hey...

sorry to annoy you guys again with all these questions but you're all too damn good at answering them.

soooo...third date over now and im left with the question of: why is he not touching me?

like it makes sense, I'm 18 and he's much older and he doesn't wanna seem like some prick who's just trying to get into my pants but i'm just wondering whether he's waiting for me to make the move when it comes to touching??

like do guys wait for girls to make the move when it comes to touching to show respect? or are they just not that into them?
Hon, this guy is unquestionably into you. Of that I have no doubts. He's most likely feeling uncertain about the "touching" protocol with you. He doesn't want to come off like a pervy old man by moving too quickly, and so he's being overly cautious. He may also be showing you respect by waiting on you. Most likely though, it's fear and uncertainty causing his hesitation. I can't say for certain, since I know very little about either of you, and there could be a lot of different reasons, but those are the most likely ones. What are his and your religious beliefs? That may have something to do with it. He might be trying to respect your religious beliefs. My personal opinion is for you to take the lead....in a subtle sort of way. Try not to be too aggressive until you get a feel for how he'll respond to that. Some guys like aggressive women, some don't. It takes the pressure off of them, but it can create the impression that you're....well...a tramp, so use caution. Of course, there IS always the other option....you COULD try talking to him about it! :D Relax...enjoy yourself....and stop over-analyzing so much! And don't worry. You're not annoying anyone. We're more than happy to give you any guidance we can hon.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Sun Apr 15, 2012 10:21 am

lillmango wrote:Haha thanks heaps Guardian, you're absolutely amazing! Yeah I was really excited when I wrote that and now I've had some time to calm down.

Yup tonight's the third date. Musical then dinner. There's been a lot of exchange of texts especially from him and it's looking up at the moment.

Thanks for your advice about reigning in a bit. I think that's gonna happen anyways cos both of us are becoming really busy at the moment (we're both in the same show and there's three weeks till opening night plus he's got a job that's keeping him in late at night and I got assessments as well as a massive church conference to recover from).

All in all, things are looking up :)

Thank you again for the advice!
Again, you're very welcome. It's been my pleasure to point you in the right direction. Sounds like things are progressing nicely. Remember to keep some communication going, especially if you can't see each other for a period of time. Texts are fine, but voice is better, and nothing beats seeing each other in person to feed the growing feelings. Just don't be stalkerish. :lol: I don't think you'll have that issue though. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck hon. You know where to find us if you need us.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Wed Apr 18, 2012 1:01 pm

Yeah...I reckon you're right on the touch thing. I'm slowly moving in on him to let him know what I feel comfortable doing.

And...religious beliefs are quite a big factor in this. He's an atheist and I'm a Christian (but not a fundamentalist). I reckon he understands that Christians play by a different ball game and that he has to be careful.

We've talked about our views on sex before (this is before we started going out). He said that he would want to have sex with a woman before marriage ("try before buy" - exact words he used) but that he's willing to wait and isn't someone for one night stands and I said that I would have to be really in love with a guy (possibly thinking about marriage) to have sex with him. What I've told you before isn't suggesting that we're in a serious relationship or anything or thinking about sex, just more clarifying our views so you understand where we stand in terms of values.

The religion thing is difficult. He's not quite so supportive about the fact I'm a Christian and that puts me off a little. I accept that he's an atheist and I don't want to change him or convert him (I like him for who he is, so why should he change?) but I want him to show me the same courtesy (I reckon if it really annoys me, then I'll eventually tell him).

This is difficult because my Christian friends aren't supportive. My best friend told me that it'll be hard because I won't be able to share with him a huge proportion of me and that we'll never be able to find that connection and the rest of them don't think it'll work out well but they're leaving the decision up to me.

I told them that I'll just see how things go because for the time being; I like him, I enjoy being around him and it's still really fresh and fun. And as you've told me, I just want to have fun and not think about this but I know this is gonna hover over me.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:28 am

lillmango wrote:Yeah...I reckon you're right on the touch thing. I'm slowly moving in on him to let him know what I feel comfortable doing.

And...religious beliefs are quite a big factor in this. He's an atheist and I'm a Christian (but not a fundamentalist). I reckon he understands that Christians play by a different ball game and that he has to be careful.

We've talked about our views on sex before (this is before we started going out). He said that he would want to have sex with a woman before marriage ("try before buy" - exact words he used) but that he's willing to wait and isn't someone for one night stands and I said that I would have to be really in love with a guy (possibly thinking about marriage) to have sex with him. What I've told you before isn't suggesting that we're in a serious relationship or anything or thinking about sex, just more clarifying our views so you understand where we stand in terms of values.

The religion thing is difficult. He's not quite so supportive about the fact I'm a Christian and that puts me off a little. I accept that he's an atheist and I don't want to change him or convert him (I like him for who he is, so why should he change?) but I want him to show me the same courtesy (I reckon if it really annoys me, then I'll eventually tell him).

This is difficult because my Christian friends aren't supportive. My best friend told me that it'll be hard because I won't be able to share with him a huge proportion of me and that we'll never be able to find that connection and the rest of them don't think it'll work out well but they're leaving the decision up to me.

I told them that I'll just see how things go because for the time being; I like him, I enjoy being around him and it's still really fresh and fun. And as you've told me, I just want to have fun and not think about this but I know this is gonna hover over me.
Thank you! That was very helpful in understanding the situation. Yeah...I suspect he's just not sure what you're comfortable with, as far as intimacy, or touching goes, and his limited knowledge about religion and your beliefs personally probably don't help matters much. You'll probably have to take the lead on this for the most part, and just be clear about where the lines are. It won't be easy, but it is do-able. Just be careful not to get sucked in.

At some point you'll have to address the issue of him not being supportive of your beliefs. Just let him know that if he can't say anything nice about your beliefs, then just keep his mouth off it. Too easy. Obviously, don't come off too aggressively, but make sure your point is heard. I recommend doing it sooner rather than later. It's like breaking a bad habit. The longer you let it go, the harder it is to break. Also, if you keep letting it go, it will fester and ruin more good times down the road, possibly spoiling the relationship for you. It's the little things that often spoil a relationship. What's "no biggie" at first becomes annoying, then irritating, then flat-out intolerable later on. Discuss it now to get it out of the way. And, on the bizarre off-chance that he just doesn't think he can stop the behavior, it's best to find out now before you're invested in him. Once that's out of the way, you can go back to just having fun again. Take care hon.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Fri Apr 27, 2012 7:26 am

Thanks heaps for that last advice. It hasn't been executed yet because he hasn't been having a go at my beliefs ever since I last posted (feels kinda trivial if I bring it up randomly) but if he ever does, I'm sure to bring it up :)

Ok...just a slightly more serious topic: I think he wants to have sex. I kinda knew from the beginning so it's not so much of a surprise but he's been increasingly making a lot of suggestive comments like that and some are really intense (I'm not going to repeat them because of privacy reasons) and it's making me a bit uncomfortable.

I don't think we're in a serious relationship. The last time we checked in, he was dating other girls and I was seeing other guys too and we've never talked about being exclusive. I'm not the type to have sex unless I'm in a really serious relationship and he knows that.

I'm sure I'm not overthinking this now. I don't want him to take advantage of me.

What should I do??
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:00 pm

lillmango wrote:Thanks heaps for that last advice. It hasn't been executed yet because he hasn't been having a go at my beliefs ever since I last posted (feels kinda trivial if I bring it up randomly) but if he ever does, I'm sure to bring it up :)

Ok...just a slightly more serious topic: I think he wants to have sex. I kinda knew from the beginning so it's not so much of a surprise but he's been increasingly making a lot of suggestive comments like that and some are really intense (I'm not going to repeat them because of privacy reasons) and it's making me a bit uncomfortable.

I don't think we're in a serious relationship. The last time we checked in, he was dating other girls and I was seeing other guys too and we've never talked about being exclusive. I'm not the type to have sex unless I'm in a really serious relationship and he knows that.

I'm sure I'm not overthinking this now. I don't want him to take advantage of me.

What should I do??
That's probably the easiest question you've asked so far. Don't let him pressure you. When/if you're ready, you won't have to wonder about it. You'll want to. Until then, he has two options. Sit back and wait, or move on. This shouldn't be an issue if he knew your stance before you two started seeing each other, but he's a guy, and we tend to push certain issues. To be fair, he may be doing it half in jest, and half seriously. It's a passive-aggressive behavior that most men will exhibit. We'll "jokingly" refer to things we'd like to do, but if you show some interest, well...we weren't really joking at all! And it is possible that he may not be aware of how uncomfortable his speech may be making you. I cannot stress enough how important communication really is. Make sure he knows that his behavior is making you uncomfortable. Reiterate your stance on sex the next time he's making these comments, and don't soft-sell your stance. Be hardline with it. Don't say "I really don't want to unless I'm in a serious, committed relationship", instead say "It's not going to happen unless I'm in a relationship where I feel comfortable that the end results are marriage....and then only maybe." Let him no that coercion isn't going to change things. You're not going to have sex with him...period. Then he can make his decisions as needed. If sex is that important, he can move on, but if you are that important, then he can hang in there.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:44 am

Duly noted. I've only told him once that some of the speech is making me uncomfortable but he just said "pfft" and he's never done that again (???). He's taken a more settled role at the moment, like he's waiting for something. I don't exactly understand.

Lately, I've been extra busy and I have no time to spend with him. He's taken so much more intiative when it comes to talking to me and he's always being really sweet. He's always giving me hugs and he's always asking how uni stuff is and how I'm coping. He's been complimenting me a lot and it's kinda nice. It's really nice but I'm kinda feeling this behaviour is a bit suspicious. I've been really horrible to him recently cos I had a long day at uni, dance class and then straight to a show rehearsal for about 4 hours and then going home to do an assessment (yeah all in one day, I don't know how), but he's been so sweet saying that I'll be awesome and that I'm going to do just fine.

You're a guy. Tell me what this usually means.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Mon Apr 30, 2012 11:40 am

lillmango wrote:Duly noted. I've only told him once that some of the speech is making me uncomfortable but he just said "pfft" and he's never done that again (???). He's taken a more settled role at the moment, like he's waiting for something. I don't exactly understand.

Lately, I've been extra busy and I have no time to spend with him. He's taken so much more intiative when it comes to talking to me and he's always being really sweet. He's always giving me hugs and he's always asking how uni stuff is and how I'm coping. He's been complimenting me a lot and it's kinda nice. It's really nice but I'm kinda feeling this behaviour is a bit suspicious. I've been really horrible to him recently cos I had a long day at uni, dance class and then straight to a show rehearsal for about 4 hours and then going home to do an assessment (yeah all in one day, I don't know how), but he's been so sweet saying that I'll be awesome and that I'm going to do just fine.

You're a guy. Tell me what this usually means.
lol :hugs: It means you need to stop over-analyzing hon. You've forgotten to relax and just enjoy this for what it is right now. I'm going to start spamming your inbox reminding you if you don't relax!! :D That being said, it's extremely hard for me to analyze his behavior without being there in this case. He may be trying to charm your pants off, or maybe he's just settling in with you, really getting into the relationship. Ultimately, whatever his motive, I'm pretty sure you have the strength to shoot him down if he starts being sleazy, but for now....relax and enjoy the ride hon.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Fri May 11, 2012 11:05 am

Thanks heaps for that last advice. I've kinda just been riding along lately and even shared my first kiss with him. One night, after the show (I assume you've read the other thread), we were making out in his car and he started to feel me up. I wasn't uncomfortable but I was really cautious. I backed off a bit and told him I'm not ready and that this is something sensitive for me. Gahhhhhhhhhhhh I have to really talk to him. I don't know our situation since we only met during the show (making it what he and I like to call a, "showmance") and things may be different after it's done. Tonight's closing night, so let's see whether he'll be willling to pursue this or not after I've talked to him. Wish me luck! (but don't say "Good luck!" cos that's bad luck!) x
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Sat May 12, 2012 2:52 pm

OK now I'm really confused. I told him seriously yesterday that I don't want to have sex unless I'm in a serious relationship because it is something that is sensitive to me. He then said that he understands and then kept saying that he was joking. I told him that he really has to understand and he says he does. He then attempts to change the conversation, like he doesn't want to talk about it (and this makes me think he doesn't get the message). Yesterday night, we were making out in his car and it got really heated. I got cautious and told him not to take advantage of me. He looked me straight in the eye and said he wasn't going to do anything I didn't want to do. I told him I believed him then because he had this serious look on his face and he looked so genuine. But at that exact moment, he changed facades again (sorta like Jekyll and Hyde) and said that it doesn't mean that he will stop trying. At that moment, he undid my bra. I stopped then and redid my bra, telling him that I can't do this. He then told me that he wasn't going to do anything that I didn't want to do and that I should trust him. I told him, "Well you fucking undid my bra, so how the fuck can I trust you on that?"

We went to a party afterwards and spent the night together (just sleeping in the same bed, nothing more). I really care about this guy and I think we'll be great together but man this is driving me insane. We are so different and it's hard to really tell whether he's joking or whether he's serious.

What should I do?
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Sun May 13, 2012 12:44 pm

My apologies on taking so long to respond.
Sounds like he's going to keep pushing the envelop, trying to get you to have sex with him. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but ALL men will tell you that they won't do anything you don't want to do, but they will push as far as you will let them go. What they mean when they say that is "I won't rape you, but if I can pressure you into sex, I'll take it anyway." They way they see it, if you eventually relent, then you wanted to do it anyway. Don't trust the "sincere" face. They don't get any more phony than a sincere face when making out. It's actually a pretty standard tactic designed to get you to lower your defenses....just like telling you that you should trust him. Guys have been using the same lines for generations, at least, to lower fear and uncertainty and get into women's panties.
I would say you're on dangerous ground right now. If you can pound it into his head, and quickly, that he needs to back the fuck off and "stop trying", then you may be ok. Otherwise, he's going to have to go. If you stay with him, you'll end up doing something you'll most likely regret.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Sun May 13, 2012 11:34 pm

Thanks heaps for replying!

I've talked to him and he said that he didn't know that I was really upset about it and he kept apologising. He told me that what he said before, about not making me do anything that made me uncomfortable was true and that he genuinely didn't know that sex was off-limits. I kinda got sceptical about it cos I did repeat to him several times that I didn't want to have sex and he still undid my bra, but it may have just been miscommunication. He told me that he didn't think I was being serious and that he was really sorry.

He seemed genuinely bothered by the fact he upset me.

I don't know, what do you reckon? From a guy's perspective...
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Mon May 14, 2012 8:27 am

lillmango wrote:Thanks heaps for replying!

I've talked to him and he said that he didn't know that I was really upset about it and he kept apologising. He told me that what he said before, about not making me do anything that made me uncomfortable was true and that he genuinely didn't know that sex was off-limits. I kinda got sceptical about it cos I did repeat to him several times that I didn't want to have sex and he still undid my bra, but it may have just been miscommunication. He told me that he didn't think I was being serious and that he was really sorry.

He seemed genuinely bothered by the fact he upset me.

I don't know, what do you reckon? From a guy's perspective...
I can easily see where he may not have been thinking clearly at the time. As the old joke says, it's hard to think with the big head when all the blood flows to the little one. You don't think clearly, and you certainly aren't at your most understanding right then. You are, in fact, obsessed(or perhaps POssessed) at that moment with one thing. Sex.
That being said, there are now red flags. Exactly how many times are you supposed to say "I don't want to have sex" before it means you don't want to have sex? I'm genuinely disturbed by this. Not just in reference to you in particular, but to women in general.
Overall, my instincts say he may be genuinely sorry and somehow didn't realize he really was pushing too far. On the other hand, I'm uneasy with how he attempts to push through your objections in regards to sex. I can all too easily envision a nightmare scenario where things go too far, and this makes me extremely reticent in suggesting you "wait it out" and see if he is actually listening this time. If you choose to have faith that he's now listening, just be careful. If this sort of behavior continues in spite of his assurance to the contrary, you WILL have to separate yourself from him. Once more. That's all I'd give him if it were me. Nice guy or not, if you flirt with fire, you're going to get burnt eventually.
Let me leave you with this thought: I told you earlier to just enjoy it while it was still fun.....so is it still fun?
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Mon May 14, 2012 3:37 pm

I still enjoy being around him and it is heaps of fun. I just don't want to do anything I regret.

I reckon down the track, we would, but that's still very far away.

Do you reckon I should hold off from making out with him just to "wait it out" and ensure that he won't take advantage of me?

He appears really, really upset about it.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Justified » Tue May 15, 2012 3:22 am

18 and 25 seems to be an acceptable age difference. Why do you ask these questions online and not to your girlfriends in your real life, people who are able to see your interactions? If you do not want to have intercourse, don't. You hold the cards on that, he doesn't.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Tue May 15, 2012 11:07 am

lillmango wrote:I still enjoy being around him and it is heaps of fun. I just don't want to do anything I regret.

I reckon down the track, we would, but that's still very far away.

Do you reckon I should hold off from making out with him just to "wait it out" and ensure that he won't take advantage of me?

He appears really, really upset about it.
We're starting to get into an area where I can tell you what to do less and less, and you have to start making more and more of the judgment calls on your own. I know, that sounds like a cop-out, but the truth of the matter is these are very personal decisions that will directly affect the direction and flow of your relationship, and no one is qualified to make those sorts of decisions on your behalf. This is what an adult relationship is all about hon. Deciding the intimacy level of your relationship is about as personal an action as you'll ever make. YOU have to decide if you feel his prostrations are in earnest or if it's all a ploy. That said, if you feel like you want to step back a bit to "wait it out", then that's probably the right decision for you. If you go with your instincts, you'll make plenty of mistakes in your life, but they're less likely to be ones that plague you years down the road. I don't hear too many people say "I wish I hadn't listened to my instincts".
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Tue May 15, 2012 12:56 pm

Justified wrote:18 and 25 seems to be an acceptable age difference. Why do you ask these questions online and not to your girlfriends in your real life, people who are able to see your interactions? If you do not want to have intercourse, don't. You hold the cards on that, he doesn't.


Honey, I do ask my girlfriends. They're the first who I asked and they had mixed responses so I went on here to see what others think (cos I don't know the general consensus of what people think of me dating a guy 7 years older than me and this would give me a broader perspective). Thanks heaps with the advice on intercoarse. This is going to be an issue with him but I reckon we can work through it. It's really all about communication.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Tue May 15, 2012 12:59 pm

Guardian7347 wrote:
lillmango wrote:I still enjoy being around him and it is heaps of fun. I just don't want to do anything I regret.

I reckon down the track, we would, but that's still very far away.

Do you reckon I should hold off from making out with him just to "wait it out" and ensure that he won't take advantage of me?

He appears really, really upset about it.
We're starting to get into an area where I can tell you what to do less and less, and you have to start making more and more of the judgment calls on your own. I know, that sounds like a cop-out, but the truth of the matter is these are very personal decisions that will directly affect the direction and flow of your relationship, and no one is qualified to make those sorts of decisions on your behalf. This is what an adult relationship is all about hon. Deciding the intimacy level of your relationship is about as personal an action as you'll ever make. YOU have to decide if you feel his prostrations are in earnest or if it's all a ploy. That said, if you feel like you want to step back a bit to "wait it out", then that's probably the right decision for you. If you go with your instincts, you'll make plenty of mistakes in your life, but they're less likely to be ones that plague you years down the road. I don't hear too many people say "I wish I hadn't listened to my instincts".


Thanks heaps for all the advice! You've really helped me get perspective. I understand about it getting a little more complicated now and more personal and it's now my place to make decisions. I feel slightly inadequate cos I'm 18 but I'm just going to make the decision not to do anything I'm uncomfortable about. Thank you again for everything! x
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Wed May 16, 2012 4:08 am

lillmango wrote:
Guardian7347 wrote:
lillmango wrote:I still enjoy being around him and it is heaps of fun. I just don't want to do anything I regret.

I reckon down the track, we would, but that's still very far away.

Do you reckon I should hold off from making out with him just to "wait it out" and ensure that he won't take advantage of me?

He appears really, really upset about it.
We're starting to get into an area where I can tell you what to do less and less, and you have to start making more and more of the judgment calls on your own. I know, that sounds like a cop-out, but the truth of the matter is these are very personal decisions that will directly affect the direction and flow of your relationship, and no one is qualified to make those sorts of decisions on your behalf. This is what an adult relationship is all about hon. Deciding the intimacy level of your relationship is about as personal an action as you'll ever make. YOU have to decide if you feel his prostrations are in earnest or if it's all a ploy. That said, if you feel like you want to step back a bit to "wait it out", then that's probably the right decision for you. If you go with your instincts, you'll make plenty of mistakes in your life, but they're less likely to be ones that plague you years down the road. I don't hear too many people say "I wish I hadn't listened to my instincts".


Thanks heaps for all the advice! You've really helped me get perspective. I understand about it getting a little more complicated now and more personal and it's now my place to make decisions. I feel slightly inadequate cos I'm 18 but I'm just going to make the decision not to do anything I'm uncomfortable about. Thank you again for everything! x
Hon, being 18 is all about feeling inadequate to the challenges you're up against. You're stepping out of your old world of childhood and entering into the adult world. It's new to you, alien in many ways, and can feel a bit overwhelming. You have nothing to fear though. You're a smart woman with strong beliefs to act as your guiderails. Stay true to yourself, and regardless of what happens, you'll be able to stand tall and look people in the eyes, come what may. Besides, you're never completely alone. You have friends and family who will always be there, and of course, you can always look here for support. I have no doubt that you are more than adequate to the challenges before you. Just remember to relax, enjoy, and try not to overthink things too much.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Wed May 23, 2012 2:25 am

Thank you very much for that last post! You really made me feel I can make this decision.

To keep you up-to-date, we went out again after the show season ended. We had a serious conversation and he told me what he was looking for and made sure I was ok with it (as well as my parents) and he wanted to make sure I knew that he was much older and at a different stage of life. We also touched a bit on religion but we've learnt to accept that it's something that our differences are something we both have to live with. On sex and the incident that happened that I told you about, I told him how it really upset me and that I don't want him pushing me to do things I'm uncomfortable with. He looked really apologetic and took my hand, kissed it and looked me in the eye saying that as long as he was with me, he's going to be a complete gentleman. I reckon he finally understands that I have certain boundaries and he's willing to accept them.

After all that, we decided we want to be together.

So I'm officially now in a relationship :)

Wish me luck! And thank you for all your lovely advice! xx
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Wed May 23, 2012 5:19 am

Well it sounds as if congratulations are in order! :cheers: 18 and 25 isn't a dramatic age difference. You're going to run into issues along the way, but if you keep the lines of communication open, you're chances of getting through them are significantly higher. I wish you unlimited happiness. Remember to relax and just enjoy the ride hon. Take care of yourself.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby kirstieharman » Wed May 23, 2012 6:45 am

ittotally fine for an 18 year old to date a 25 year old girls date older guys most ofthe time anyway and the age difference isnt too crazy plus she sounds like a sweet guy give him a shot i know i would!
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Mon May 28, 2012 12:45 am

ok this is somewhat serious and I've tried turning to my friends for this but they have no clue on what to do (I guess it's understandable since most are about my age and don't deal with the situations I deal with)....

I suffered from severe depression around three to four years ago and it's somewhat gotten better but it lingers, occuring on and off in the last couple of years. It's been getting better but it's difficult when it comes. Sometimes I handle it well, other times not so much. This time around, it's become more physically challenging to handle.

The problem is not so much the depression (I've learnt over the years how to deal with it properly and to handle it responsibly following the advice of counsellors and doctors), but more on the question: when should I tell my boyfriend about my depression?

It's still early on in the relationship and I know that eventually I would have to fill him in but I really don't want to burden him or give him a reason to resent being with me.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby Guardian7347 » Mon May 28, 2012 1:13 am

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION In case I didn't emphasize that enough, communication is vital. Critical. Especially with something like this. Because you're going to be moodier than normal, more frustrating than normal, and drive him up a wall moreso than normal. He needs to know why you're acting more neurotic than normal(guys perspective). It's SOOO much easier to deal with something when you know what's causing it. If he knows, he can understand(to a degree), and he can made accomodations accordingly. If you try to keep it hidden from him(which you can't), he's going to be clueless as to what the fuck is going on with you, and he'll have no choice but to assume that this new behavior is just the normal you that you've been "hiding" from him until now. Don't give him room for making inaccurate assumptions. Misunderstandings will sink your relationship. Be honest, but reassure him that it's not a constant state, that you aren't always like that. He should be pretty understanding. You're 18, some depression is pretty normal, I believe you'll out-grow it.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby lillmango » Tue Jun 05, 2012 9:23 pm

Hello again! Miss me?? :P

Well...as to the last post, I never got around to telling him. I hinted at it on facebook chat (I wanted to tell him in person) but I never came around to it because I haven't seen or heard from him in aaaages (ok that''s an exaggeration).

It's at this point I'm a little concerned. He's stopped trying to talk to me and doesn't call or text often. He has a pretty good reason: last week, he went through a massive rollercoaster moving and trying to find a new place and my life was kinda all over the place too with assessments being due and all and with too many long-time-no-see catch ups with friends. We didn't end up seeing each other at all as a result.This week, he's found a new place and is moving into it in the weekend and I'm really happy for him. He also had an another audition as well as more pressure from the show that he's currently rehearsing for (I would know, cos I just recently volunteered to pit sing for another show that's around the same time as his and the rehearsals are starting to heat up).

BUT...he won't take the time out to text me or talk to me, which kind of makes me upset.

I may seem like I'm over-analysing here and yeah that is a flaw of mine but something similar like this happened to my ex. He was all over me and then stopped contacting me like the way he used to and I'm afraid this is happening with my boyfriend now. I know I should be understanding but I'm really upset that he doesn't at least text me asking how I am. We're trying to make plans this weekend but he hasn't replied back to me suggestions...

I don't know what to do. Should I tell him? I feel like I've bugged him enough with my texts (I don't send too many, just asking him how his audition went or how moving went, general stuff...) but I'm his girlfriend and at the moment I don't feel like I have a boyfriend.
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Re: 25 year old hitting on an 18 year old

Postby The Atomic Mango » Tue Jun 05, 2012 11:57 pm

My little mango!

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