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Terminally ill, being chased and questioning my sanity

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Terminally ill, being chased and questioning my sanity

Postby lil_world » Wed Jul 25, 2018 4:21 pm

I had a half lucid dream where I was terminally ill recently. It was lucid enough that from time to time I have a bit of control over what happens when I'm desperate and I seem to have an intuition about how things are or would be going but my level of lucidity fluctuates throughout the length of the dream and at times something would happen that disprove what I 'knew' and I would get lost, confuse and more often than not, I question my perception, my reality and sanity. It's very lengthy and segmented and I can't remember how it goes in a linear manner. So I'll just write the important bits.

The dream started at a park where my family and I frequently go to on our holiday trips which is a bit of an emotional anchor for me. Going there always feels like returning home. So in my dream, my dad who had passed on a month ago was also with us as well as my late grandfather who passed on two years past. At some point within the dream, I was being chased by some shady people and as I was running, I pass out and somehow felt like it was a good thing - like I've cheated by ending the game so I didn't need to run anymore.

When I came to, I was lying down on a couch and everyone around me was very sombre. My head was banging with pain, I felt feverish, weak and exhausted and some lady was tending to me (later I was told that she was my nurse). My mom and my siblings weren't present because they had to 'do stuff' (they returned later with like forms and documents in ring files, looking very exhausted themselves) and so I was with an aunt with whom I have never been close with in real life and her children as family friends kept arriving, talking to me in gentle, 'trying to be calm' voices that breaks and quakes. I have social anxiety and some self esteem issues so being at the centre of the attention and especially being looked at with concerned really unsettled me, a big part of me wanting them to go home because I wasn't worth their time. I remember feeling like a sham too. And throughout all that, I still had the guilty feeling that I had to run out and do something, like there's something I had unfinished and it conflicted with a part of me that felt relieved that I didn't have to resolve it since I am incapable.

I remember also feeling rather annoyed that everyone was so worried because I 'knew' that there was nothing seriously wrong with me. At least until my cousins came crying into the room and dragging my aunt behind a partition, began arguing in furious whispers. After what felt like forever, one of my cousins came to me, held my hand and told me that there was something wrong with me that the doctors couldn't figure out what. And in a flustered and uncertain manner, she told me that she thinks I deserve to know the truth so I could prepare myself but the doctors think I couldn't make it but she didn't want me to lose hope. I tried to tell her that I was genuinely fine but she took out a blood test report and pointed out stuff which wasn't fine and that's when I first lost that lucidity and started to question myself - why did I 'know' I'll be fine and how did I 'know' it?

And after that was a bunch of incidents where I either ran away because I needed to do something urgent and important and since I was running out of time, I had to do it now, or I was being cornered by more shady people so I had to sneak out to save myself. However a lot of them seemed to be false alarms when I was 'disproved' again and the cycle of being slightly lucid and then questioning myself just kept repeating itself. At one point I wondered if I was schizophrenic especially the time when I found two men in my bedroom and freaking out, I shrieked and screamed and made for the door. Before I could reach it, I tripped simply because I was too weak to run and I felt myself being pinned to the ground by the men as one of them puts his face close to mine. I was losing my mind and trying to fight them off when after some minutes, I finally realised that my mom was talking to me, crying but trying to assure me that these men were simply helping me. And then I realised that the guy who puts his face to my face was actually only whispering reassurances in my ear, hoping to calm me down and he wasn't actually in my face as I thought he was.

I actually used to frequently have dreams where I was always getting cornered and grow progressively paranoid the deeper the dream gets especially in my turbulent teenage years but I hadn't one for more than a year now and this is one of the more 'extreme' ones. The others are usually simply physically and mentally draining when I wake up but the whole questioning my sanity aspect really sticks with me even after I am awake. I think with my dad's recent passing and being the eldest of my siblings with my mom not working, prepping for a big exam which I'm really scared of failing, I feel incompetent, unfitting for this role of responsibility, even thrust into the spotlight in some ways. I also have a very strong tendency to turn to escapism (which is why it started at the park I think, where everything feels perfect and alright and safe as well as the idea of being terminally ill, is in a way, another way of escaping from my responsibilities). I catch myself thinking of stuff I shouldn't or wanting to do things I couldn't.

I'm mostly posting to try to relieve myself from the influence of this dream on me because I'm already really anxious and this is just adding more salt to the wound. I kinda figured what influenced the dream, it fits in with what's going on with my life right now even the stuff where I'm questioning reality (with all the recent changes in my life, sometimes I find myself kinda dazed and 'un-alive', like I'm frozen in a surreal timespace) but if you have any other thoughts, I'd be interested to hear it as well. Otherwise just thanks for reading and giving me an outlet (especially since I don't know if I'm coherent right now).
lil_world
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