Can you fall in love online?

[Jeff_in_Time]

What do you think?

Yes/No?

Have you tried, failed? Any stories to share.

[rustic_vampire]

to a degree I think you can. But truly, no I don't think so. There's so much about a person that you can't find out online, like their daily mannerism. But you can grow fond of what they show you, but you also don't know if it's really how they are.

When I was younger I would swear up and down that I was in love with someone I met online, but now that I'm older, and I really am in love with someone I know in person, I can look back and see that I wasn't

[SharA2]

Deep like, perhaps. Never tried, not willing to attempt it, I feel the drawbacks would be enormous.

[hahmed7]

Just like there is love at first sight.....

There is love at first type...

I wouldn't say it's as deep as physically being near someone that you love. But yes, you can fall in love with someone online. I want to say 10 years ago I was in love with a friend I met online through one of my close friends that I grew up with. At one point we would talk online almost every night and even arranged a meeting across the states but it never worked out because we were too shy and it was too early in our relationship to meet up.

But yes, it did end eventually because of the fact it was online and not in person. And that some of what he told me was not entirely true.

My only advice, yes, assume most of the information they give you is somewhat false and not the entire truth.

Best of luck

[tropicalheatwave]

i don't see why not. i wouldn't mine meeting someone online but i personaly think your better off meeting a women at the beach or gym. your bound to get hit on sooner or later and its easier.

[Soulkiss333]

Define love?

Of course. Esp if your more of an intellectual.The meeting of the minds. It also gives some ppl more of a chance to get to know each other than just jumping in the sack with someone. You have more control over your emotions mostly because of what Tropical was hitting at, in person it is easier and more convenient. You have more time to know a person on the internet/Skype due to the inconveniences and ppl might tell you more because they might not think they will actually ever meet you. let you in their minds more. About the mannerism which someone mention, yes this is important but ppl hide their mannerism in person too. One of my sister who so messy when ever she likes a guy, she acts like Marta Stewart, she becomes a clean freak and house cleaner. Then she will move in and after a few months they start fighting, she's mad because he usually except her to do the dishes and stuff. Well, what does she except, she was the faker. You can be a liar in person too. But i do admit the biggest draw back is the habits but you really dont know someone's habits until you start to live with them which is a big jump rather you know them in person or the computer.
I never been in love, lust maybe. If I started to have strong feelings for someone over the computer I wouldnt deny myself the possibility.

[Jeff_in_Time]

I think I hold out less hope on it than the rest of you.
Never tried either, I like in person relationships.

This thread came off my other cyber/sex/ friends relationship thread, because the guy doing it told another bud of mine that he is now in love with one of the women he was cybering, think that ones lives in Greece?
I lol'd.

I think if the peeps involved live close enough and in the same country it helps to make it work.
I don't understand the fun of it.

Thanks all for the replies so far!

[Nostalgic]

There's been 2 couples that I know of who met each other here.
Tdawg & littkedebbie and noodles and floyds. They all seem happy.
I think it can work. More people meet online now than at work or in pubs I think?

[heartsdreamer]

What do you think?

Yes/No?

Have you tried, failed? Any stories to share.

Of course you can!

[Xwikki]

There's been 2 couples that I know of who met each other here.
Tdawg & littkedebbie and noodles and floyds. They all seem happy.
I think it can work. More people meet online now than at work or in pubs I think?

And I think that Tabitha and Romes met on here, they come back every so often. I'm unsure, though.

I will reply to this thread later.

[Nostalgic]

Oh yeah, I think they did meet here but can't remember?

[misha666]

Yes u can.

[Xwikki]

Oh yeah, I think they did meet here but can't remember?

I'd swear they did, because I think Romes is from Australia and if I remember correctly Tabitha from Texas, and they've got themselves a couple of kids now. This is just if my memory serves me correctly though.


Oh, and I didn't reply cause I was about to go out. I didn't want to leave a comment half done, or rush it. >.<

To the question, yes and no. I say yes because well, obviously there's proof of it. And no because well, it's so easy to lose contact, nothing is permanent. It's also very different to knowing someone normally, like, you don't know their habits ect. And of course it's very frustrating for both of you. I think that it's entirely possible, though there has to be alot of trust involved alongside commitment.

Haha, shamefully enough I have tried, but it wasn't right from day one. I was stuck in a flight of fantasy to say the least, which is very easy to do. You can generally tell when someone's in this mindset, and that there's very little chance of anything to come of it when they're on their 300th online partner. I don't see how people can do that, I tried it once and went straight off of it.

This definitely dimmed my view on whether or not it's possible, but that was an attempt that was dodgy from the very start. In order to make it work, I think you would have to make sure to distinguish whether or not it feels real or not to you. You'd have to be able to communicate effectively and well. And personally, I'd rather met someone, and then take it from there, not the other way round. I think, that you kind of have to build a bond with that person which can't be entirely done online, so if you actually end up meeting eachother and are like: "oh hey, girlfriend/boyfriend", it makes things a bit odd yanno? You may be BFF's online, but when you met then you pretty much have to start from scratch again, I would think.

So to answer that overall, I lean towards yes rather than no. It just takes alot of effort on both sides.

[SamZee]

Some would argue that you can't. That you only think you can. That it's not real, it's just emotional attachment. Well last time I checked, the only person that can tell you how you feel about someone is you. To me, "falling in love" and "being in love" are two different things. I doubt if there's any wrong answer to this question, just a matter of opinion. But even if I was in an online relationship, I wouldn't say that we're "in love," I'd just say that we love each other.

As for making it actually happen, all I can say is that the way you carry yourself online can be very different than the way you carry yourself otherwise. And sometimes it doesn't translate well in person. This I can speak to from experience. It's a long story but I'll try to make it quick as possible. I wasn't in a relationship or anything, I was just reeeeally close with this one girl. We were such good friends, talked almost every day, and had a lot of chemistry. I admit that I did develop some feelings for her, and I know she did for me. Well, we did meet. Her and her friends were planning a trip to Chi-town so they just picked me up on the way. It was a great time but, you know... I'm a bit shy and quite self-conscious, right? Well that really caught her off guard. But I mean, how was I supposed to feel? Her friends were really cool, I liked them a lot but I've never been around them before. I would have loved to be completely carefree and on autopilot, but I'm not like that around new people, ya know? So anyway. During the whole trip she frequently engaged me in staring contests. We did that a lot, and other gestures which strongly communicated the mutual attraction. You'd have to be Helen Keller AND without a sense of touch to miss these signals. Also, 4 people, 2 beds. We ended up sharing one and doing the whole cuddling thing. Even made out a few times one of the nights. Just sort of happened, ya know? Well in the aftermath of the trip, she tried pretending it didn't -- literally. Said that she was asleep and couldn't remember it. Nope. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she was awake. She also tried rationalizing the other happenings. I then expressed to her that it was very hurtful that she refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of it. But nope, she wouldn't have it. It was then that more of our colors revealed themselves -- as opposites. Mine as an emotional being whose emotions are very free-flowing. Her's as someone who rejects emotion. (Which is true but I won't get into why.) We already understood this of each other to a small degree but that all changed. Suddenly we realized just how oppositely polarized we were in this way and things were never the same again. We didn't talk much after that, and the more she learned of my nature, the less she liked me. We then stopped talking, and still don't.

I feel this is a more extreme case, but it exposes the potentiality of a very negative outcome. I don't mean for it to be discouraging though. This wasn't the only time I met someone whom I'd known online. This other person I was very good friends with as well. Same deal. Talked a lot, lot of chemistry. We were very, very dear to each other, and we still are to this day. I know friendships are kind of a different category but, it relates.

[Nostalgic]

You deserve someone great Samzee.
Saying she was asleep, she has issues.

[SamZee]

Heh, thanks Nos. I really appreciate that. =]

And yes, major trust issues for example, among other types. To the point that she even rejects apologies. Unadded me from FB a while back. Then out of no where she added me again somewhat recently. Talked once, and I was really, really trying to be talkative and engaging. Still standoffish. I then made one post on these other forums I sometimes post on, having nothing to do with her. Someone asked me to express my understanding of the effects of trauma on the psyche, so I did. Apparently it really hit close to home with her, she replies all angry, and now I'm pretty sure she hates me. Unadded me again. I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to fall any further in her eyes, even though I've never, ever wronged her. What's worse is that I still care. It still affects me whenever I think of her. But I suppose it just goes to show that there's no such thing as being liked by literally everyone. No matter how good a person you are to them. But enough of my problems.

Proceed with the thread. =]

[Jeff_in_Time]

Man lots of replies on this thread.

Xwikki, did your try totally sour you on it? can you keep a friend of that person after it goes bad?

Mish, have you tried?

I always wonder how many that hooked up online were already married or in committed relationships during.
And bored, or in a bad relationship and were online and got a crush and followed it up.
And then compare that to the ones who were both single.

That's fooking crazy stuff, SamZee. Obviously you liked her and she gave you the signs she was into it too.
Why did you even still want to talk to her after all of that?
After she deleted you off FB, and did the re add, you shouldn't have accepted. imo.

[Xwikki]

Man lots of replies on this thread.

Xwikki, did your try totally sour you on it? can you keep a friend of that person after it goes bad?

It's a good idea for a thread.

Not totally sour, but it did bother me for a while. He was wasn't right from the start anyway, wouldn't have worked out from the first place. I knew it wouldn't though I was very good at denying it.

Psh, not at all. Alike what you said with Sam, she readded him. Mine also did too, to apologise apparently. We just ended up arguing and him blocking me again, figures.

And also, people can go to great lengths to try and make already broken things work if they're lonely.

[Jeff_in_Time]

Why thank ya
I like the think about relationship dynamics threads.

It is like any falling in love, when you fall out, it hurts.
You invested in it and you don't want to feel you wasted time.

Man, why are these girls and guys re adding, if they want out, stay out, methinks.
He wanted to apologize, and bet he got pissed ya moved on afterwards.

Having a relationship online to me adds so much more layers of pressure onto peeps.

[Nostalgic]

Heh, thanks Nos. I really appreciate that. =]

And yes, major trust issues for example, among other types. To the point that she even rejects apologies. Unadded me from FB a while back. Then out of no where she added me again somewhat recently. Talked once, and I was really, really trying to be talkative and engaging. Still standoffish. I then made one post on these other forums I sometimes post on, having nothing to do with her. Someone asked me to express my understanding of the effects of trauma on the psyche, so I did. Apparently it really hit close to home with her, she replies all angry, and now I'm pretty sure she hates me. Unadded me again. I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to fall any further in her eyes, even though I've never, ever wronged her. What's worse is that I still care. It still affects me whenever I think of her. But I suppose it just goes to show that there's no such thing as being liked by literally everyone. No matter how good a person you are to them. But enough of my problems.

Proceed with the thread. =]

Sounds like you're better of without her.
Adding you and unadding you. Telling lies about making out and she has trust issues?
You say tou still care and it's easy to forgive peoples faults when you know them but I don't know her and I like you so that gives me the right to call her mean

[Jeff_in_Time]

^ agreed.

So many great peeps out there, online/real life where ya live etc.
Wasting time on time wasters isn't worth it.
Peeps take advantage when you are too nice to them, sad but man, it is so true.

I think I am a nice guy but I won't hesitate to tell someone to go fook themselves if they earned it.

[Xwikki]

Why thank ya
I like the think about relationship dynamics threads.

It is like any falling in love, when you fall out, it hurts.
You invested in it and you don't want to feel you wasted time.

Man, why are these girls and guys re adding, if they want out, stay out, methinks.
He wanted to apologize, and bet he got pissed ya moved on afterwards.

Having a relationship online to me adds so much more layers of pressure onto peeps.

Welcome. ^^
Ahah, oh I have no idea. Apparently it was because he was 'giving me disclosure' when I generally got the gist that he didn't want anything to do with me after he blocked me. He wanted me to block him so he wouldn't feel bad anymore, and unfortunately I refused to give him what he wanted. It's a stupidly long story.

So many great peeps out there, online/real life where ya live etc.
Wasting time on time wasters isn't worth it.

Yeah, I've said this before to people. It like, helps to distinguish the good people from the bad, you appreciate the nice ones more when they come along.

And in relation to what Sam said about confidence and all that jazz.

It was a great time but, you know... I'm a bit shy and quite self-conscious, right? Well that really caught her off guard.

I know that it's so easy to be talking to someone and they're completely the opposite in reality, everything is false about them. But, also for those with low confidence it's much easier to be yourself online. I for certain have a few difficulties sometimes socially. And it takes a while when you get round to meeting people for them to become comfortable around you. >.< It's kinda silly to assume that you're going to be instantly comfortable with them like you've known em your whole life.

[SamZee]

But, also for those with low confidence it's much easier to be yourself online. I for certain have a few difficulties sometimes socially. And it takes a while when you get round to meeting people for them to become comfortable around you. >.< It's kinda silly to assume that you're going to be instantly comfortable with them like you've known em your whole life.

Absolutely. I know there are some people who don't even need to think when they meet new people. They've got the world going for them which often translates into effortless socializing, as if you did know them all your life. Kind of like, you know, the effortlessness of socializing while drunk. :p Don't get me wrong, I'm an exceptional conversationalist, but I've realized more fully now that it's not just about confidence. I've concluded that online chemistry and in-person chemistry can be two very different things. Sometimes they're one and the same, and sometimes one just doesn't translate into the other.

Peeps take advantage when you are too nice to them, sad but man, it is so true.

My god, that is SO true. And I'd know that better than anyone.

Sounds like you're better of without her.
Adding you and unadding you. Telling lies about making out and she has trust issues?
You say tou still care and it's easy to forgive peoples faults when you know them but I don't know her and I like you so that gives me the right to call her mean

Ahah, well you're absolutely right. And I will address the rest of this along with Jeff's post.

That's fooking crazy stuff, SamZee. Obviously you liked her and she gave you the signs she was into it too.
Why did you even still want to talk to her after all of that?
After she deleted you off FB, and did the re add, you shouldn't have accepted. imo.

Unfortunately I'm far too forgiving for my own good. Your questions are absolutely with merit, but forget not that she wasn't just some person I was interested in. We had a very strong friendship, and she meant a lot to me. Like I said, we talked nearly everyday and shared a wonderful chemistry. So it's not like I lost someone I just had feelings for, I lost a very dear friend. That's a lot of why I still care a lot about it. Also because the wounds are still there. Buried but they're still there.

I really appreciate your guys' input. It really helps. =]

[misha666]

which strongly communicated the mutual attraction. You'd have to be Helen Keller AND without a sense of touch to miss these signals. Also, 4 people, 2 beds. We ended up sharing one and doing the whole cuddling thing. Even made out a few times one of the nights. Just sort of happened, ya know? Well in the aftermath of the trip, she tried pretending it didn't -- literally. Said that she was asleep and couldn't remember it. Nope. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she was awake. She also tried rationalizing the other happenings. I then expressed to her that it was very hurtful that she refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of it. But nope, she wouldn't have it. It was then that more of our colors revealed themselves -- as opposites. Mine as an emotional being whose emotions are very free-flowing. Her's as someone who rejects emotion. (Which is true but I won't get into why.) We already understood this of each other to a small degree but that all changed. Suddenly we realized just how oppositely polarized we were in this way and things were never the same again. We didn't talk much after that, and the more she learned of my nature, the less she liked me. We then stopped talking, and still don't.

Awwwh ZamZee Dont worry honey im going to hex her today and give her a nasty pimple on her forehead

Mish, have you tried?

Jeffykins sadly i did.
It happen a while a ago when i was going through a real tough time and started talking to this guy on line who claimed to be going through a tough time him self and it sounded real. There was a lot of chemistry and flirting. he made me laugh and always knew the right thing to say to cheer me up. We talked almost every day and then went from the computer to talking on the phone. He made me feel like a teenager again. We would talk for hours and texted all the time. I developed some feelings for him. He said he would come to chi-town to see me but changed his mind at the last minute.
I was a little hurt and disappointed but still talked. My problems did get a little better along the way and he faded a little. We both decided that we were in different places in our lifes and knew that things would not work out, other then having good hot sweaty sex lol. We were to far away to be f*** buddys so we just stayed friends and talk here and there.
I learned my lesson and will never do it again.
So i got of my cloud with a little bump and a bruice or two on my heart but i moved on.

[SamZee]

Ahahah, thanks Mish. Perhaps we shall get lunch sometime. You can talk about how evil guys are, and I can talk about how evil girls are.

[Jeff_in_Time]

Okay, that changes it, Samzee.
You were actually good friends before, wonder why she wanted to sour the friendship?
If she adds you again, will you accept her again?
It will become a cycle.

Wonder why he wanted you to do the dirty work and block him?
He wanted to be a good guy to you still?
I hate peeps who play mind games like that, it's BS.

Mish, do you and your internet guy still chat?
Were you scared to meet in person, you think he was?
Maybe he served his purpose in your life, lifting your spirits then.
And that was all it was meant to be, least you didn't end on bad terms.

[Xwikki]

Wonder why he wanted you to do the dirty work and block him?
He wanted to be a good guy to you still?
I hate peeps who play mind games like that, it's BS.

Haha, no he felt bad for blocking me and couldn't blame me for anything, because I didn't do anything wrong. If I were to block him, then he could hate me. Or at least that's what it sounded like. Yeah, I do hate mind games, because you only realise that they're doing it after the damage has been done. And nobody can tell you that the sun doesn't in fact shine out of their ass.

[sayuri]

I think you can certainly fall in love online. You can fall in love with how someone represents themself online, and the sweet nothings they say, you might want to be close to them even though you are states apart (or even oceans). In some instances person to person relationships might be what feels right for the person, and in other instances online relationships might be what feels right. It depends on the person really.
...Overall love sucks jk jk lol

[SamZee]

Okay, that changes it, Samzee.
You were actually good friends before, wonder why she wanted to sour the friendship?
If she adds you again, will you accept her again?
It will become a cycle.

Heh, I can say with 99.9% certainty that she won't. I'm nothing to her anymore. Pretty sure I've gone below rock bottom in her eyes. I would otherwise say 100% but I know that anything's possible. But to answer your question... I really couldn't tell ya. It's hard to say when I'm not actually faced with that. If I had to guess, I'd probably just hide the request for a billion years. Unless she like, sends me a message and somehow proves to me that she's changed. But again, that won't happen. Truth is, I really want nothing to do with her anymore.

'Preciate your interest.

[misha666]

Mish, do you and your internet guy still chat?Were you scared to meet in person, you think he was?Maybe he served his purpose in your life, lifting your spirits then.And that was all it was meant to be, least you didn't end on bad terms.

Yea we do chat and talk on the fone once in a while. Yea he was the one that was afraid of meeting in person because he thought he was ugly and I would'nt like him anymore.
He wasn't bad looking or anything i guess he just had a man low self esteem. I really did like him All of him and he was very blessed also
Now that i thik about it, Im glad were friends. I can tell him anything and so can he. We say I love you to each other all the time and well i guess were ok like that.

Ahahah, thanks Mish. Perhaps we shall get lunch sometime. You can talk about how evil guys are, and I can talk about how evil girls are.

Yes Samzee we have to do that. Have some lunch and I'll teach you how to Hex ur exses ok. I'll bring the lavender

[misha666]

This definitely dimmed my view on whether or not it's possible, but that was an attempt that was dodgy from the very start. In order to make it work, I think you would have to make sure to distinguish whether or not it feels real or not to you. You'd have to be able to communicate effectively and well. And personally, I'd rather met someone, and then take it from there, not the other way round. I think, that you kind of have to build a bond with that person which can't be entirely done online, so if you actually end up meeting eachother and are like: "oh hey, girlfriend/boyfriend", it makes things a bit odd yanno? You may be BFF's online, but when you met then you pretty much have to start from scratch again, I would think.

Have u ever tried again vikki? Or do have a friend online that u like alot right now?

[Xwikki]

Have u ever tried again vikki? Or do have a friend online that u like alot right now?

Pfft, nope. Not tried again, it's difficult to do at a younger age, you're too young to actually even met them yanno? I'm not trying to be all un-romantic, but it's pointless.

Well yeah, I'm good friends with a few people online, we're close and that. But I don't think I could take up an online relationship. As I mentioned before, meet someone and take it from there. As Sam said before, online chem and in-person chem can be completely different. I guess I'd rather not get my hopes up, to be a bit pessimistic. Haha, though I can be one of those hopeless romantic types, so I like to keep that in check.

[SamZee]

Yes Samzee we have to do that. Have some lunch and I'll teach you how to Hex ur exses ok. I'll bring the lavender

Ahah, sounds like a plan!

[Soulkiss333]

Wow, Samzee,
she kinda stumps me. However, she may of not been trying to be mean on purpose. She sounds like she has serious issues (not meaning she is a bad person, but she gots a real problem) maybe just not trust but also intimate issues. (she probably hates being this way) Maybe, when y'all first talked over the computer, she was more how she wish she could be.(more open and free, which many of you already said), she might have felt very comfortable with you since you are a nice person and understanding. (where the attraction came for her) you didnt seem threatening to her. She may thought of meeting you many times before y'all did, but there is a difference when fantasizing vs. reality, but thought this time she could get over her fear. So, she got her friends and of course she was excited at first running off of adrenaline. Then the next day or whatever, she freaked. Because her excuse is obviously a lie, (not normal) you know when you are making out with someone and she knew that was not a good lie at that , but she needed to tell herself it. She had to know you knew the truth, so I dont think she was lying so much to you as much as she is trying to convince herself that nothing happen.(this is her fear and fear is very powerful). So, it didnt matter if you believe her lie and how obviously the lie was, the lie is for her so she doesnt have to think about her fear or embarrassment. Then she de-friend you probably out of embarrassment. Then re-added you, hoping to put it in the past and still be friends and felt bad about it, but cant talk about it. (that was an awful sentence srry, I hope u were able to follow that). Then when you brought it up, she freaked again. Ever had something so embarrassing or a true fear that when you even started the think about it your mind kinda freaks out, and you try really hard to stop thinking about it. Well, it is like that but probably 100 times worst for her. Of course I am just guessing ( idk, I always try to put myself in others shoes and try to find a reason for it), but I think she has some real issues but she may not br trying to hurt you, she might hate herself for it but just cant get over the fear, in which gives her even lower self-esteem and makes her fear worst. Which causes her to act unstable at times, friends then not friends then friends then not friends again and again trying to battle her fear. Sometimes when we think ppl are hurting us, it's not their intentions it's their fears. It's sad really. And i think you already think this.
But you seem to be the understanding type but also the sensitive type as well, so I would avoid her if I were you because even if you could understand her issues you would still let it go to your heart.
Again, I really dont know anything, just trying to see it in a different way. ( I could think of a few more scenarios). but this is the nice one.

[Bubbydoll]

I've seen more adulterous affairs online, than actual love couplings, it happens but I don't know how much is real love, or is infatuation. I've never had an online relationship, I have some trusting issues and that would be a terrible situation to put myself in. You have to be able to weather a lot to get through it and be happy together. Happy for those who can pull it off, sad for those who get used or hurt trying.

[SamZee]

I really appreciate the response, Miss Soulkiss. A lot =] It is much obliged. And so I shall address it piece by piece. Hah, but I apologize for the novel to come.

Let me start by saying that you actually filled in some of the blanks -- the things I left out. So my utmost respect to a fellow intuitive thinker. =]

... she may of not been trying to be mean on purpose.

Yeah, this is partially true due to her issues, which I will properly address in the next bit. I definitely understand that; while at the same time, it is my opinion that no matter how bad your issues are, you have to be held accountable for the harm you cause others. Yes, I know you know that. What I'm getting at specifically is, to me it's still her fault for letting her issues get the best of her to the point that she blinds herself to the effect she has on others. Know what I'm saying? Of course you do, you're awesome. =]

She sounds like she has serious issues (not meaning she is a bad person, but she gots a real problem) maybe just not trust but also intimate issues.

YES. This you guessed very accurately. I was actually thinking about going into depth about her issues but decided against it for brevity's sake. You're absolutely correct about intimacy issues, and all of them being very severe. She has suffered some abuse, (the extent of which I'm unsure of) which is obviously where most of these things stem from, but the issues themselves have exacerbated with time which I will address with another point of yours later. But yes, her issues are wide-ranging and there is absolutely no doubt that it has dramatically affected her 'wiring.' I believe it's responsible for shaping the way she thinks.

Maybe, when y'all first talked over the computer, she was more how she wish she could be.(more open and free, which many of you already said), she might have felt very comfortable with you since you are a nice person and understanding. (where the attraction came for her) you didnt seem threatening to her.

Heh, well thank you. And yes, I can definitely confirm this as well, but there's more to it. To be more specific, the attraction actually derived from the chemistry we shared. But the chemistry was allowed to exist because well.... A) Yes, I think I can be rather personable, but B) I think getting to know each other online was like a loophole in her otherwise impenetrable barriers. (For someone as emotionally-driven as me anyway.)

Also, her problems went from bad to worse but she let it happen. I can recall an instance in which we were talking, and she asked me a question to the effect of "Do you think disregarding one's emotions is so bad..." something like that. Of course I responded accordingly, expressing every ounce of intellectual insight and persuasion I had, but it didn't matter. She got on talking about how emotions just complicate things and that she would be better off without them -- horse shit like that. Furthermore I expressed that to deny her own feelings is to deny her very nature, blah blah blah... didn't matter. So now not only did she shut down at emotions subconsciously, but it was now a fully conscious process as well. Moving on.

She may thought of meeting you many times before y'all did, but there is a difference when fantasizing vs. reality

Absolutely. This I can also confirm, but we actually had talked about it beforehand. She even dreamt once that it happened before it did... and that we made out.

but thought this time she could get over her fear. So, she got her friends and of course she was excited at first

Hmm. Ya know, I haven't actually thought about the fact that she might have been the one who invited her friends on the trip as opposed to the other way around. I mean, I did but not enough to sway in that direction. Because she actually told me that it was initially her friend's idea. You may very well be right.

Then the next day or whatever, she freaked. Because her excuse is obviously a lie, (not normal) you know when you are making out with someone and she knew that was not a good lie at that , but she needed to tell herself it. She had to know you knew the truth, so I dont think she was lying so much to you as much as she is trying to convince herself that nothing happen.(this is her fear and fear is very powerful). So, it didnt matter if you believe her lie and how obviously the lie was, the lie is for her so she doesnt have to think about her fear or embarrassment.

Yeah, I know what you mean. And you're right, that's definitely a good part of it. Believe me, I know how powerful an influence one's fears and issues can have on them. But we were friends, ya know? Really, really good ones. I know she was trying to convince herself of it, but it was at my expense, and she never took that into account. This gets back into what I said before, about her not caring enough to stop blinding herself to other people's feelings. When I told her how hurtful it was, she did not care. Didn't think for a second about anyone else's feelings but her own. After I told her that it was really hurtful, I knew that our relationship took a dive, and a steep one. I think she went from not caring, to subconsciously, "OMG THIS GUY HAS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS? HE'S VULNERABLE TO ME? THAT'S THE BIGGEST TURN OFF EVER!" Heh, I know that sounds like a dramatic exaggeration but it's not really. Yes a lot of it may be due to her fears but I'm not letting her off that easily. I'll emphasize again that she let herself become this way, such that she has no remorse or regard for the emotional well-being of others.

So, it didnt matter if you believe her lie and how obviously the lie was, the lie is for her so she doesnt have to think about her fear or embarrassment.

Yes, which I think is extremely selfish and inconsiderate.

Then when you brought it up, she freaked again. Ever had something so embarrassing or a true fear that when you even started the think about it your mind kinda freaks out, and you try really hard to stop thinking about it. Well, it is like that but probably 100 times worst for her. Of course I am just guessing

That's a great hypothesis but, I never brought it up. :p She was just as standoffish from the beginning of the conversation as she was when things went downhill the first time. That's much why we stopped talking. She never initiated a conversation with me anymore, and every time I did, she just wasn't there. (Figuratively) No matter how much space I gave her and time I gave it, always apathetic and standoffish. A night and day difference between how things used to be.

but she may not br trying to hurt you, she might hate herself for it but just cant get over the fear, in which gives her even lower self-esteem and makes her fear worst.

This time I can't say that I agree. Her problem isn't rooted in self-esteem, and honestly my faith in her awareness of her own issues is very little to none. I already pretty certain that she saw nothing wrong with herself, but when I posted about the affects of trauma/abuse on the psyche, she replied all pissed off at me saying that a lot of the time, there is no effect on the person. This tells me that she still blinds herself to it.

Sometimes when we think ppl are hurting us, it's not their intentions it's their fears. It's sad really. And i think you already think this.

Again, you're right. Hell I'd know better than anyone. Lord knows how many people I've 'counseled' we were deeply entrenched in the "victim consciousness." And yes, it is sad. My heart truly goes out to these people; it has many, many times. But even for someone whose paramount quality is compassion and forgives too easily, it becomes difficult to forgive & forget things like this. Not because I'm without the ability to, but because I care so much that it still affects me.

To conclude, I will say that I relearned some invaluable lessons from all this. I see this experience as a great catalyst to my own spiritual growth and a significant wake-up call from the cosmos. I feel I experienced these things and this great pain as a means to correct my own issues, of which I am well aware. But I won't get into that as it would require yet another novel. Heh, which I apologize again for making you read. But thanks again for all you wrote. It made me think more deeply about it than I have in a long time which helps me to understand it better myself. =]

[sweetJalenna30]

yes you can fall inlove because i met my husband online of course we didnt stay online we both lived in the same town and we met up the next day and now we been married 7 years and have a 6 yr old little girl.

[alteredmind]

women can but not men unless they are in a "high place" if you know what I mean.

[Soulkiss333]

@SamZee
Your welcome. dont worry I like novel. I just thought her story/issue was a little extreme, you know. I enjoy trying to figure out ppl. I am one of those ppl watchers, and I hear everything. I remember when I was in high school, some of my friends actually started to believe I was psychic because I could always guess what they were thinking, I always knew who had secret crushes on who..dumb stuff like that, I told them not by a long shot, but thanks, I am just very observant and I hear everything. I enjoy trying to put myself in other ppl shoes or create scenarios or "what if" moments. My family always thought I should be detective,lol. Actually, I would like that, if it wasnt so negative.
When I try to figure someone out, I looked for something I maybe able to relate to and build from there. ( I can always find something to relate too).In her case, I can related to the fear of someone falling in love with me. (but not to that extreme) I unlike her, care about the other person's feelings and do recognize my own issue. I dont play games or play ping bong with ppl hearts. (friends, not friends, friends) I had no problem with bonding or intimacy with others, just dont like feeling the pressure of feeling like I am responsible for someone's elses happiness or feelings. I dont mind talking about it with them (hoping I can give them some peace) as long as we dont go in circles too much. One of my biggest problem is that I use honesty as an excuse. I am always honest with ppl about who I am, but somehow I know that doesnt get me off the hook There is a big difference between honesty and integrity. Honesty is easy and you can be honest with no integrity. Being honest just means not to lie. I think there are 3 rules to integrity..1.discerning what is right and wrong (moral reflectiveness)..We all can tell what we honesty believe is right and wrong but have you ever really tested your beliefs 2. Risk (there has to be a risk to you..it benefits the other person not you) for example a man tells his wife on his deathbed that he had affair 20 years ago..this is honesty but not integrity, it does not benefit her but it benefits him..die with a clear conscious, however if he told her 20 years ago that would have been integrity because he would be risking his marriage, financial setbacks, the respect of his kids etc. 3. moral responsible ( obligation) example..a man tells a girl before he sleep with her that if he gets her pregnant he is not going to be around because he is not ready to be a father, again this is honesty but not integrity. Integrity will not let him off the hook so easily, honesty will, he still has an obligation for that child according to integrity. The third one is the one I have the biggest problem with. i like using honesty as an excuse. I can related to a tiny aspect of her but that is it. i think she has a problem still with honesty with herself and others, as well as integrity.

I am sorry that happen to ya.

I have meet ppl from facebook in real life, no love connections though. From FB I have met a lot of ppl with common interest like J-rock and now we all meet up and go to concerts together. I got involved in poker and meet ppl for that. So far, everyone I met has been really cool and pretty much the way I thought they would be. But I guess it is quite different to meet ppl as friends than love connections.


@Sweet
Y'all met the very next day. Wow. Was it a dating site? I had a friend that did that match.com thing and he meet this girl and they been dating for 2 years. I am starting to wonder if there is anything you cant find on the internet...you can even find love how about that. I hope all goes well for y'all.

[SamZee]

Heh, well you're quite good at that, but don't sell yourself short. I think a lot of it is good intuition. =]

And on the subject of meeting people from online... If plans follow through later this month, I'll be meeting one of my internet/phone friends of 7 years. Can hardly believe I've known her for that long. Heh, don't worry though. Completely different situation. I think of her as like, a sister. =]

[Nostalgic]

I think she lost a great friend in you Samzee. You were someone who cared and could have helped her with her problems. Some people shy away from people who care and want to help.
Reminds me of that song burning bridges. http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mike ... idges.html

[SamZee]

Heh, thanks Nos.

[GirlOnFire]

I think you can form a emotional bond with someone over the internet, you can grow to care about them and their well being and grow to love who they are. But, I dont think you can fall in love. Being inlove with someone takes a physical aspect. I know some disagree with this, they say love is blind, but that's not what I'm getting at. Being in love changes your body, your hormones, and everything. It's how your body feels when you're around that person, how it reacts. You dont have that physical presence to know if your body chemistry mixes with the other persons chemistry.

So, no. I don't think you can fall in love on line, you love someone but you can't be inlove with them.

[Jeff_in_Time]

yes you can fall inlove because i met my husband online of course we didnt stay online we both lived in the same town and we met up the next day and now we been married 7 years and have a 6 yr old little girl.

Congrats.
We have a first hand success story here.

@ alteredmind- what do you mean?

Good luck, SamZee on your meet up.

[Jeff_in_Time]

I think you can form a emotional bond with someone over the internet, you can grow to care about them and their well being and grow to love who they are. But, I dont think you can fall in love. Being inlove with someone takes a physical aspect. I know some disagree with this, they say love is blind, but that's not what I'm getting at. Being in love changes your body, your hormones, and everything. It's how your body feels when you're around that person, how it reacts. You dont have that physical presence to know if your body chemistry mixes with the other persons chemistry.

So, no. I don't think you can fall in love on line, you love someone but you can't be inlove with them.

I tend to feel the same way, GOF.
Even if only holding a person, not even sex.
If you never get that for a year from a person you love it would damage a person over time.

[SharA2]

I think people who are damaged from prior relationship seem to prefer online relationships more over face to face ones -- the distance is a form of protecting their hearts.

[Nostalgic]

I think people who are damaged from prior relationship seem to prefer online relationships more over face to face ones -- the distance is a form of protecting their hearts.

That makes sence. Not for all people I think but some yes.

[Jeff_in_Time]

Yeah what Shar said does make sense for lots of peeps who are worried about getting hurt.
But is it fair to go into a relationship/even online half heartedly?

[Nostalgic]

Yeah what Shar said does make sense for lots of peeps who are worried about getting hurt.
But is it fair to go into a relationship/even online half heartedly?

I don't think it's fair if it's half hearted.

[Jeff_in_Time]

Me neither.
'specially if the other goes full in.

I think I'd like to only have real over online relationships.
Easier to know how the other really feels, ya know.