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Love/hate feelings.

Need dating advice? Wanna talk about sex? Just broke up with your boyfriend? Complain about your ex? Jealousy ruining your relationship? Is he/she cheating? This is the forum to discuss and share your real life experiences.

Love/hate feelings.

Postby Godess » Tue Jul 05, 2016 8:24 pm

Im usually a very strong person but i got a good hit on my heart that i dont know what to do right now or even think straight so im desperate enough to come and vent here. So please dont judge me just heeeelp me any good advice is very much appreciated.
A couple weeks ago i caught my bf in bed with another woman and it scard me for life. I couldnt get the images out of my head and couldn'teat or sleep for a few days. And it hurts like a bitch cause i love him so much and the day before it happened he had just told he loved me and wanted me to be his woman and be with me and only me. In retrospect i thought he was already with her the night before thats why he was all sweet so i wouldnt suspect anything. Anyway after days of going through hell and being hurt we ended talking and he wants to work things out. :?
Im so confused right now i hadnt even considered going back with him. But after we talked he knows he fucked up a good thing and i already bonded with his kids and family. Am i stupid or a weakling for wanting to work things out.?
Its almost like i find it easier to stay than walk away and throw away everything we build. I didnt do anything wrong or deserved what he did to me so why should i be condidered of him. Uuuugh! This is killing me. Someone talk to me. Anybody....
Godess
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Re: Love/hate feelings.

Postby Tal » Tue Jul 05, 2016 9:33 pm

It's been a whole ten years since I was in the exact same place you are now. My ex-husband was a serial adulterer and it shattered my faith not just in him, but also myself. So...long story short; we broke up, we talked about it; I took him back and he did it again. And again. I found out later that he hadn't actually stopped cheating at all in the time we got back together, he just learned from his mistakes and got better at hiding it.
You can take him back but will you ever be able to trust him again? Can you be absolutely sure that what comes out of his mouth is the truth? Do you think that you deserve much better?
Ask yourself these questions before you make any decisions. You're going to hurt and life will suck for a while but you WILL heal if you decide to move on. Unfortunately, this is one of those life decisions that you alone can make. You'll get all sorts of different advice from people but ultimately it's up to you.
If I was in your position I wouldn't take him back, despite the bond you share with his children. If he knew he had something special with you and that his children care for you, why would he throw it away for a fuck? He has no respect for you and cares only about himself and what he wants and certainly hasn't given a thought about the people he hurts.
You've done nothing wrong. He lied and cheated and has shown you his true character. Do YOU think he deserves another chance?
Tal
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Re: Love/hate feelings.

Postby Godess » Tue Jul 05, 2016 10:26 pm

Ok ok Tal, I totally feel ya. Thank you so much for sharing that. I needed to hear and know that I'm not the only one and that I'm not going crazy. Cause I am ashamed of my self right now. I don't know what to do with all this pain and all these mixed feelings I'm having. I'm ashamed because I kinda knew he was doing something or suspected he was doing something but convinced my self that I needed to trust him and that everything was going to be ok. I almost blame my self for staying with him knowing he has the wondering eye. I should have left him a long time ago and had saved me all this pain and nightmare. please tell me, how are you now? Did you fall in love again or how long did it take you to heal from you ex who hurt you like this. Did you get help or how did you cope.? Tell me more please.
Godess
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Re: Love/hate feelings.

Postby Tal » Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:16 am

First thing you should do is stop beating yourself up. He did these things to you; you didn't do them to yourself. And maybe you should have known but love clouds our judgement and makes us blind to the truth. Yes, you hurt and you probably will for a while. It's horrible and will leave you with scars but try to think of them as good. Emotional pain teaches us how to be strong and deal with the shit that gets thrown at us throughout life. It is a part of your life journey, just as much as happiness. The only thing I can really say is to just roll with it. Cry when you want to cry, get angry when you need to. Many people call these negative emotions but they're not. They're a part of being human. Try to find joy in the small things and treat yourself kindly. Have a bubble bath or a massage, get your hair and nails done, see your fave movies, anything that YOU like to do. My boss was abandoned by her husband after 32 years of marriage. When she was going through the grieving stage, she bought herself a huge bouquet of flowers each week. I cut my hair really short and dyed parts of it blue then got my first tattoo. I was 41.
The hardest but best part was my three boys. I had to focus on them and not just myself which helped. I got over him in time but I have to admit, it took a while. The biggest issue was that I'd trusted him 100%. I truly believed that whatever happened, he'd never cheat. Finding out that he'd cheated A LOT shook my belief in myself. I no longer trusted my own judgement, lost my self-esteem because I blamed myself - not skinny enough; not attentative enough; not good enough in bed; didn't keep house properly etc. It was all bullshit but the thoughts got stuck in a loop and it took me a long time to stop thinking this way. DO NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD. Your ex's infidelity isn't about you or anything you've done. It's his behaviour, it's his to own and take responsibility for. If the price he pays is losing you then let that be a lesson to him. He chose to cheat and lie to you and you chosing to end the relationship is the consequence for his choices. He's hurt you terribly, don't let him destroy who you are as well.
You WILL find love again. You might even be hurt again but don't ever give up on yourself. Use every experience to learn and grow as a person. It's the best way to begin loving who you are.
Tal
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Re: Love/hate feelings.

Postby Godess » Wed Jul 06, 2016 10:38 am

Tal,
your right about the beating my self part. it hurst a lot cause the wound is raw and fresh and in the midst of everything I been doing a lot of research on line and ive learned that this asshole is a narcissistic prick, right now I think im experiencing something called trauma bonding And when I see the sign and symptom list it describes him down to a T. I feel lost and I know Ill get through this like you say but in the mean time I just have to deal with all this
pain that feels like torture. I dont drink or smoke, I don't do drugs so I feel everything more than I should, and maybe its the break up but im so sensitive to everything. the only time I have peace is when I sleep and even then I dream about him and when I wake up the ache is there. im done having a pity party, and I don't even know how I feel anymore. im so angry and hurt and frustrated. This bastard tells me hes really sorry and maybe he is but hes mostly sorry he got caught cause now that ive open my eyes I know him and he would have kept doing it over an over like you say. I honestly wana hurt him physically. make him feel my pain somehow. ive just decided and made up my mind not to be with him even if it kills me a little on the inside cause if he does it again im going to regret going back and feel more stupid than I do now. right? Tal thank you for your kind words and advice. blessings to you and your family. :hugs:
Godess
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Re: Love/hate feelings.

Postby Tal » Wed Jul 06, 2016 8:47 pm

Good decision. And try to cut off all contact with him; which means no looking him up on social media etc. I know this might seem impossible but really, really try. You're only punishing yourself over and over again if you keep in contact or find out what he's up to and it will take you so much longer to heal.
Another thing, if he's a narcissist, then DO NOT let him know how shattered you are. This will only feed his big, fat ego. If he thinks you're ok (even though you're obviously not) and aren't so affected by his suckiness then it will drive him crazy. The best revenge is to live a happy life and look good doing it! If you meet him again, let him know how great things are and that your life is going well (even if you're dying inside). Nothing pisses of a narcissist more than people moving on without them.
Take good care, love. It WILL get better. :hugs:
Tal
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Re: Love/hate feelings.

Postby Godess » Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:32 pm

I been keeping my self busy and I'm going to interviews and one looks very promising. yes I have been ignoring him, even when he calls me private cause I blocked him of a everything. I miss him so much but I hate him more for what he did, and that gives me fuel to keep ignoring him. the more I think about it I tell my self "I've been through worse hell before and have endured worse life challenges than this, so why am I letting a little punk ass bitch like him get to me like this.? then I answer my own question, because I let him and keep allowing him to do it, but not no more. lesson well learned. The End :!:
Godess
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