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when it goes a little too far

Need dating advice? Wanna talk about sex? Just broke up with your boyfriend? Complain about your ex? Jealousy ruining your relationship? Is he/she cheating? This is the forum to discuss and share your real life experiences.

when it goes a little too far

Postby nickitea » Thu Oct 29, 2015 8:25 am

So me and my boyfriend of 1 year have been not on the same page for the past few months. I guess we've past the "honey moon" phase. I am happy that we are super comfortable with each other but I think in some aspects the word "comfortable" means different things to us.
My past relationship experience was not the best and neither was his. I was abused and cheated on. He was just treated poorly and always told he was not "good enough"
So there have been a few fights about our past. for instance I found some inappropriate pictures of his ex that he never deleted. He did asap, but I guess I haven't been able to let it go. they haven't been together for 2 years (1 year not counting us being together for one of those years) I'm trying to let go of it but its hard. since I've been cheated on and hurt. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So the other night we were both tired and ready for bed when we giggled at the fact that we haven't had any intimate time in a few days and we feel neglected (mind you I had to be up early the next morning for work) and he "jokingly" said "I fell so neglected I might just resort to cheating."
now that REALLY hit me hard.
He tells me whenever we get into an argument that I drag it out and don't let it go. which is true sometimes. but in my defense, I feel like he doesn't see my point of view. and now after that incident, I confronted him and he apologized and said "I know that wasn't ok to say even if I was joking" which I replied "you have done this before, and you said you'd never do it again." and his reply (to shut the convo down before it got "heated") "you have 1 of 2 options; drop it or continue to argue with yourself"

like what is that? he is the one that said something stupid and I'm still upset about it and I feel like he thinks slapping a Band-Aid over it will fix it. :?
"I could conquer the world with just one hand, but only if you're holding the other."
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby sayuri » Sat Oct 31, 2015 10:24 pm

OK so first and foremost you seem to have moved past that point in your life but it makes me wonder if you're still healing. But regardless, I get the point over the seemingly insensitive joke. I think he's recognized that you're hurt but one would wonder about him. I mean to be completely honest you had stated there was a verbal abuse ( being told you're " not good enough") which in all honesty is just as hard if not harder to deal with. So maybe when he told you to drop it it was a defense mechanism because maybe in his mind he thinks you're gonna do the same to him. I am by no means trying to say what he did I'd right because it isn't. You're obviously hurt, maybe it is best you guys try therapy maybe? That way you guys can look lay everything out in a safe environment.
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His ink is dew from daisies sweet,
His pen a point of light."
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby pisces_dreamer » Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:29 pm

This is just a guys perspective.

But so he said a bad joke. Thats all it was. A bad joke. I might encourage him not to pursue a path in stand-up comedy (but who knows he got such a rise out of you maybe he is comic material), but let it go seriously. There is nothing more damaging in a relationship than that point where the argument turns into what the other said weeks or months ago. If youre at that point I would honestly suggest just splitting up before it gets worse, because chances are he's just gonna say something dumb again. We men tend to be like that. Again just my :2cents: but it just sounded like a poorly worded attempt to get a reaction out of you nothing more.
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby sayuri » Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:59 pm

pisces_dreamer wrote:This is just a guys perspective.

But so he said a bad joke. Thats all it was. A bad joke. I might encourage him not to pursue a path in stand-up comedy (but who knows he got such a rise out of you maybe he is comic material), but let it go seriously. There is nothing more damaging in a relationship than that point where the argument turns into what the other said weeks or months ago. If youre at that point I would honestly suggest just splitting up before it gets worse, because chances are he's just gonna say something dumb again. We men tend to be like that. Again just my :2cents: but it just sounded like a poorly worded attempt to get a reaction out of you nothing more.

Well said :)
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Of moonbeam, silver white;
His ink is dew from daisies sweet,
His pen a point of light."
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby nickitea » Wed Nov 04, 2015 4:13 pm

sayuri wrote:OK so first and foremost you seem to have moved past that point in your life but it makes me wonder if you're still healing. But regardless, I get the point over the seemingly insensitive joke. I think he's recognized that you're hurt but one would wonder about him. I mean to be completely honest you had stated there was a verbal abuse ( being told you're " not good enough") which in all honesty is just as hard if not harder to deal with. So maybe when he told you to drop it it was a defense mechanism because maybe in his mind he thinks you're gonna do the same to him. I am by no means trying to say what he did I'd right because it isn't. You're obviously hurt, maybe it is best you guys try therapy maybe? That way you guys can look lay everything out in a safe environment.


The defense mechanism makes sense. He has said in his past relationship that all they did was fight and argue even over the little things. But in our relationship my little things and his little things are different. He may think this was miniscule but to me it was a lot bigger than making a bad joke.
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby nickitea » Wed Nov 04, 2015 4:15 pm

pisces_dreamer wrote:This is just a guys perspective.

But so he said a bad joke. Thats all it was. A bad joke. I might encourage him not to pursue a path in stand-up comedy (but who knows he got such a rise out of you maybe he is comic material), but let it go seriously. There is nothing more damaging in a relationship than that point where the argument turns into what the other said weeks or months ago. If youre at that point I would honestly suggest just splitting up before it gets worse, because chances are he's just gonna say something dumb again. We men tend to be like that. Again just my :2cents: but it just sounded like a poorly worded attempt to get a reaction out of you nothing more.

"say something dumb again" really worries me then. What makes you think I should just split if "men tend to be like that"
doesn't really give me hope anything will be better with anyone. Why can't you guys just listen and fix it. The stigma that women are naggy is partly because men don't LISTEN.
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby sayuri » Wed Nov 04, 2015 5:44 pm

nickitea wrote:
sayuri wrote:OK so first and foremost you seem to have moved past that point in your life but it makes me wonder if you're still healing. But regardless, I get the point over the seemingly insensitive joke. I think he's recognized that you're hurt but one would wonder about him. I mean to be completely honest you had stated there was a verbal abuse ( being told you're " not good enough") which in all honesty is just as hard if not harder to deal with. So maybe when he told you to drop it it was a defense mechanism because maybe in his mind he thinks you're gonna do the same to him. I am by no means trying to say what he did I'd right because it isn't. You're obviously hurt, maybe it is best you guys try therapy maybe? That way you guys can look lay everything out in a safe environment.


The defense mechanism makes sense. He has said in his past relationship that all they did was fight and argue even over the little things. But in our relationship my little things and his little things are different. He may think this was miniscule but to me it was a lot bigger than making a bad joke.

Therapy might be beneficial to both of you because it sounds honestly like you both need to work out your own issues. You guys might also benefit from communication tools. Being a fellow woman I believe that it might help you both to understand. Like for example say you're yelling at him it might translate to him differently. Like you might be trying to convey that you're hurt but he might think you're treating him like his exes. Think of it from his perspective... If you're yelling at him his brain might revert to that time where his ex was doing the yelling. Of course that isn't to say that it isn't the same for you, hence the need for therapy.
"The fairy poet takes a sheet
Of moonbeam, silver white;
His ink is dew from daisies sweet,
His pen a point of light."
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby pisces_dreamer » Wed Nov 04, 2015 8:17 pm

nickitea wrote:
pisces_dreamer wrote:This is just a guys perspective.

But so he said a bad joke. Thats all it was. A bad joke. I might encourage him not to pursue a path in stand-up comedy (but who knows he got such a rise out of you maybe he is comic material), but let it go seriously. There is nothing more damaging in a relationship than that point where the argument turns into what the other said weeks or months ago. If youre at that point I would honestly suggest just splitting up before it gets worse, because chances are he's just gonna say something dumb again. We men tend to be like that. Again just my :2cents: but it just sounded like a poorly worded attempt to get a reaction out of you nothing more.

"say something dumb again" really worries me then. What makes you think I should just split if "men tend to be like that"
doesn't really give me hope anything will be better with anyone. Why can't you guys just listen and fix it. The stigma that women are naggy is partly because men don't LISTEN.


Put it like this; the man youre with has already said one thing-- one sentence-- that you just cant seem to take. What do you think the odds are he might say something again? Chances are its gonna happen sooner rather than later since you're to this very moment still upset with what he said.

"Men tend to be like that"
The keyword here is 'tend.' All men(+women) are different, some more dumb than others, especially when it comes to women and their feelings. You don't want a man that will make poor jokes like that? Perhaps marry a physicist, or a psychologist, or an archaeologist.

"Why can't you guys just listen and fix it"
Sweety if we had the answer to that then all relationships would perfect, harmonious, every match would be a match made in Heaven. Unfortunately this is life however, and it doesnt work like that. You're wondering this while he's sitting wondering why the hell you're freaking out over something he didnt even mean. The stigma that women are naggy is not because men dont listen, but because men simply dont care about things the way women do. Which is again why I digress into the fact that if you wanted a man that cares more about the words that come out of his mouth, a more educated man might be a better suit (but even then I've known men with PH.D's with mouths far fouler than men with GED's, the ratio is just much much less)

I think you're expectations are a little skewed with your relationship as well as what you expect to find through this thread. It seems as if you were looking for someone to agree with you, and say something like "Yeah he's wrong and you should be mad!"
If you don't want to change yourself by accepting you can't change him, then you're in for a rough patch of life. I sincerely wish you the best, and second Sayuri's recommendation for counseling. Good luck.
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Re: when it goes a little too far

Postby sayuri » Wed Nov 04, 2015 11:31 pm

nickitea wrote:
pisces_dreamer wrote:This is just a guys perspective.

But so he said a bad joke. Thats all it was. A bad joke. I might encourage him not to pursue a path in stand-up comedy (but who knows he got such a rise out of you maybe he is comic material), but let it go seriously. There is nothing more damaging in a relationship than that point where the argument turns into what the other said weeks or months ago. If youre at that point I would honestly suggest just splitting up before it gets worse, because chances are he's just gonna say something dumb again. We men tend to be like that. Again just my :2cents: but it just sounded like a poorly worded attempt to get a reaction out of you nothing more.

"say something dumb again" really worries me then. What makes you think I should just split if "men tend to be like that"
doesn't really give me hope anything will be better with anyone. Why can't you guys just listen and fix it. The stigma that women are naggy is partly because men don't LISTEN.

I know Pisces already addressed this ( which I totally agree with by the way) but from the perspective of a lady I'd like to throw out my :2cents: as well.
OK to be completely honest we are all human, we make stupid mistakes not everyone learns the first time. That being said men can't be the only ones relied on to " just fix it " relationships are teamwork, meaning that you are just as responsible as he is. Also if you want him to listen you need to listen to him. Believe it or not men do listen... But they tend to think differently, hence there are books such as " men are from Mars,women are from Venus. " and " men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti. " which I highly recommend looking into reading as well.
"The fairy poet takes a sheet
Of moonbeam, silver white;
His ink is dew from daisies sweet,
His pen a point of light."
~Joyce Kilmer
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