Daddy doesn't care

[LifeChanges]

Can someone please explain to me how a father can go weeks without seeing his child? Have absolutely no interest. No calls, no texts, not even having family members checking in for him? It's not like I'm keeping her from him. I want him to take interest, to be there for her. I don't stand in the way.

[irrevocably]

you tried reaching him lc?
sounds disheartening...

[LifeChanges]

Yes, a few times. I try not to harass him, because I don't want to push him away from her. I'm always polite with him when I ask. He took her for two weekends in a row because he had family in town. But, he never comes to get her just to be with her. It breaks my heart. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to her when she's old enough to ask questions.

[cap1015]

Yes, a few times. I try not to harass him, because I don't want to push him away from her. I'm always polite with him when I ask. He took her for two weekends in a row because he had family in town. But, he never comes to get her just to be with her. It breaks my heart. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to her when she's old enough to ask questions.

The answer is harsh, he is a selfish, immature bastard. Lot of people have children, doesn't make them a mom/dad. I have total disdain for anyone who can't realize what is required to be a parent and I cannot understand how/why anyone would have to be told/explained what to do. Because of his actions with his child, I'm willing to bet that he has other character flaws and that is why you are no longer together.............He has a limited view of the world, all he can see is himself and in his mind everything revolves around him, that is why he got her when family was in town, it helped him/gave him stature, he trully didn't think about how it would affect his daughter..........do some research on narcissistic traits and borderly personality disorder, let me know what you think about him after you read some of the information.

God bless you and your daughter..............and I pray for him, he has no idea what he is missing by not being around his own child......

[BLUE]

I understand where you are coming from LC. Even though what happened to the two of you, you want him to still have a relationship with his daughter. Cap is right. I'm sorry. I don't think you will have to explain much when she gets older. She will know and you will be her rock. I can sit here and tell you all the horrible things I think of when it comes to her fatherot I can do this...

*turns and faces you straight on* What I see standing before me is a strong woman. A mother who cares so very much for her little girl. An intelligent person who know there are bigger and better things ahead of her. You are brave. She really doesn't Need her father because all she Needs is in you. ...And when you are finished building your life, you will show her what is really is to love a man. The kind that is deserving of her love. You will show her what it is to be a woman.

*hugs you and whispers in your ear* Now go show our girl how it's done.

[Soulkiss333]

Life is hard for all of you right now. Best advice I can give you...is patience I know it breaks your heart. When I was little my mom left us for drugs...however I did see her most summers that my dad pay for and that was it (some summers I never saw her). But ppl do change...when my dad who raise me ended up putting his new wife and her church before me and disowned me. My mom is back in my life...tho I never stop respecting my dad for all those years he raised us with no help (from anyone or government) and he never whine or talked crap about my mom or least not in front of me and he made sure I saw her even if it came from his own pocket. He never use me against my mom, and talk crap about her....she stole from him, she was an alcoholic and drug users and she cheated on him...of course I never learn this from my father...it was my mom who finally got her life back in order (kinda) and broke down and told me. She lives in guilt now but ppl do change. I am glad I had a chance to reunite with my mom...things arent prefect she still has a lot of growing up to do...I am like the parent and she is the child.

Dont worry about what you going to have to say to your kid. Kids are tough a lot tougher than adults. It wont be until there are in their in the late teens to mid twenties that they will start analyzing this stuff. Kids dont really analyzed stuff they just trust and flow with life but us adults analyzed everything and sometimes makes it worst. What you tell your kids is the truth but tactful...dad is confused right now but he gave the most precious gift of all and you were created out of love.

I mean you both just broke up...give it time. My mom didnt get her life back (off drugs)until I was 22 just a few years ago they divorce when I was 3. Lovers relationships are so much different than kids and parents relationships. Just never used your anger at him that could harm their relationship even if you dont think he deserves it....like lets say 10 years from now he starts to come around and wants to know his kids, dont stop him because it's been so long that will only backfire on you...unless the kid really doesnt want to see him than never stand in the way or I will promise you it will back fire on you. Also, dont worry so much you are doing what you can and kids are tough and not stupid...they know what is going on (ages 6 and up...give a few years for some). Worrying about what you might have to do is pointless and might make it worse...kids can feel stress, plus you dont know how or when she asked about him...you dont know if this is just a short phrase or long term or forever. Worry about it when the time comes. Of course, ppl always said tell her that it isnt her fault...truthfully kids already know that...they know it isnt their fault (they are smarter than ppl give them credit for) the only thing that might make them believe it is their fault if ppl keep telling them that it isnt their fault. I remember everyone always saying that to me and at first I just brush it off and then so many ppl would say it to me..I second guess myself 'why do they say that to me"...I never even had that thought in my head until everyone started saying it to me.

I know it is hard but worrying can cause more harm and you are doing everything you can. Just focus on being that great mother and your daughter will be fine.

Do you do keep in contact with his parents...daughter other grandparents??

[LifeChanges]

Thank you everybody. You all make very good points. I needed that I can and am her rock. I have bad mouthed him in front of her a few times, but she's so young she won't remember. But I know it's bad to do that, and I am trying my best to hold my tongue in front of her. I am getting better at it. It's easier if I don't think about him and we (me and my girl) do our own thing. It's hard though when other people bring him up and ask questions. It gets me riled up. My own parents divorced when I was young, so I know what it's like to go back and forth between them and hear them argue over what they shouldn't do while I'm with them. I don't want her to go through that. She will in her own time figure things out for herself. Hopefully her father will come around before it's too late. I want them to have a good relationship, even if me and him didn't. But that's up to him. I'll just be the best I can be for her.

And yes Soul, I do keep in contact with them. They are very good people. His mom will watch her for me sometimes when I go to work.

[cap1015]

Thank you everybody. You all make very good points. I needed that I can and am her rock. I have bad mouthed him in front of her a few times, but she's so young she won't remember. But I know it's bad to do that, and I am trying my best to hold my tongue in front of her. I am getting better at it. It's easier if I don't think about him and we (me and my girl) do our own thing. It's hard though when other people bring him up and ask questions. It gets me riled up. My own parents divorced when I was young, so I know what it's like to go back and forth between them and hear them argue over what they shouldn't do while I'm with them. I don't want her to go through that. She will in her own time figure things out for herself. Hopefully her father will come around before it's too late. I want them to have a good relationship, even if me and him didn't. But that's up to him. I'll just be the best I can be for her.

And yes Soul, I do keep in contact with them. They are very good people. His mom will watch her for me sometimes when I go to work.

That is admirable that you want to avoid repeating the circle of relationship issues you had to see as a child. Soul is spot on that kids are resilient and tough. Great idea to limit talking negative about him. First is the right thing to do and second it serves no purpose and creates negativity that no one really wants to be a part of. That his parents are good grandparents and nice people is good news, also it may show you that even though your ex may have had a good home life, he has some mental flaws that will always prevent him from being a good parent/partner. His self-centeredness and narcissism more than likely will only get worse as her gets older, I can't tell you how hard it is to understand that people like him, literally see the world different from everyone else, they cannot (without serious counseling and psychotherapy drugs...even then the success rate of improvement is almost nil) fathom anyone feelings/issues other than how it affects them and what they view as their wants/needs. I have up close and personal experience with this and what he exhibits is classic. He probably is not a bad person, but whomever chooses to be in his life will always have to feed his needs or he will drive them away or they will eventually leave on their own.
Being a true parent means understanding that your wants/needs will always be second to giving your child the care it needs. You understand and demonstrate this and I admire you for it.

[irrevocably]

God bless you and your daughter..............and I pray for him, he has no idea what he is missing by not being around his own child......

True. It's a wonderful bond.

[irrevocably]

You guys have a lot of heart!
lc- we should be considered aunts and uncles! hahaha jk jk!
I think you'll do great lc. I agree you're very smart and keep your standards up - that can be your best defense.

[BLUE]

Ohhh....*smiles* Auntie Blue

Makes me feel like a fairy god mother

[irrevocably]

Ohhh....*smiles* Auntie Blue

Makes me feel like a fairy god mother

nvm i take that back - i wouldn't be a good uncle

[Guardian7347]

Don't chalk the guy up as a total loss just yet. Remember that this is a difficult time for everyone. The grieving process for a divorce is the same as for a death, because that's what it is. Everyone grieves differently. He may be withdrawn from her right now, but that doesn't mean he will continue to do so one month from now, one year from now, or ten years from now. I find it extremely judgmental to characterize him as narcissistic based upon this one trend(and that's all it is at this point, is just a trend). There's a lot of emotional entanglement involved. Feelings for the mother are tied up with feelings for the child. Memories of the two are all interlaced, especially when the child is younger. It can take some time to sort that all out. Before we collectively decry him as an oxygen thief, perhaps he should be allowed to let his actions speak long-term. He may prove to be a waste of flesh, but he may prove to be a loving father.

[BLUE]

LC, all you can do is Hope for the best and be Prepared for the worst. Which I know you are already doing.

[LifeChanges]

I find it extremely judgmental to characterize him as narcissistic based upon this one trend(and that's all it is at this point, is just a trend).

This trend has been going on since she was born. Even before she was born if you want to get into the nitty gritty details.

[gargoylegoil]

Yes, a few times. I try not to harass him, because I don't want to push him away from her. I'm always polite with him when I ask. He took her for two weekends in a row because he had family in town. But, he never comes to get her just to be with her. It breaks my heart. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to her when she's old enough to ask questions.

The answer is harsh, he is a selfish, immature bastard. Lot of people have children, doesn't make them a mom/dad. I have total disdain for anyone who can't realize what is required to be a parent and I cannot understand how/why anyone would have to be told/explained what to do. Because of his actions with his child, I'm willing to bet that he has other character flaws and that is why you are no longer together.............He has a limited view of the world, all he can see is himself and in his mind everything revolves around him, that is why he got her when family was in town, it helped him/gave him stature, he trully didn't think about how it would affect his daughter..........do some research on narcissistic traits and borderly personality disorder, let me know what you think about him after you read some of the information.

God bless you and your daughter..............and I pray for him, he has no idea what he is missing by not being around his own child......

My father was exactly like that.

[LifeChanges]

I just don't get it. It's not like she was an accident. We BOTH wanted a child, then when I became pregnant he disappeared. Actually, no I take that back. He didn't disappear he just continued living like a rock star partying it up all night. You can't do that when you're pregnant. And you sure as hell can't do that once they're born. But he can, I'm here to take care of her. Why should he have to, I do well enough for the both of us.
Don't feel the need to respond to this. I just need to vent.

[cap1015]

Don't chalk the guy up as a total loss just yet. Remember that this is a difficult time for everyone. The grieving process for a divorce is the same as for a death, because that's what it is. Everyone grieves differently. He may be withdrawn from her right now, but that doesn't mean he will continue to do so one month from now, one year from now, or ten years from now. I find it extremely judgmental to characterize him as narcissistic based upon this one trend(and that's all it is at this point, is just a trend). There's a lot of emotional entanglement involved. Feelings for the mother are tied up with feelings for the child. Memories of the two are all interlaced, especially when the child is younger. It can take some time to sort that all out. Before we collectively decry him as an oxygen thief, perhaps he should be allowed to let his actions speak long-term. He may prove to be a waste of flesh, but he may prove to be a loving father.

I must disagree with you Gaurdian, it is not judgemental to suspect/label someone as narcissistic and/or having borderline personality disorder. This a confirmed and legimate mental condition, it is not a character assination. He either exhibits these traits or he doesn't, his actions and behaviour will assist in determining his level of illness. If he does not have these traits/conditions then I would agree that there may be confusion in his current relationship, he may be struggling with his emotional state, and may be struggling with the loss of his family, being with his child. But in this case he exhibits text book narcissistic and borderline personality disorder symptoms. If these are accurate, unless he recognizes this and seeks treatment (intense counseling and drug therapy) there is almost no chance of him changing. I don't want be arguementative but I may know more on this subject at the current time than anything I've learned or studied in my life due to a personal situation. Once you come to understand this condition and have been affected by it, the signs of others with this condition become clear to you.

all people have narcissitic traits, it's human nature, but when a person has narcissism and borderline personality disorder (some is genetic, other is caused by trauma/percieved early in childhood develpment years), the pain, havoc and overall destruction that they can and usually do cause is horrific. The biggest issue is that almost all the times the people being negatively affected thinks it's their fault or that they can do something to make it better.

To be clear I'm not judging this person on his moral character (although if withdrawing from your child is the only way you can wrap your head around your seperation, at a minimum you're selfish and do not trully understand what being a parent is). I was trying to point out what appears to be mental issues that the father has that LC and her daughter cannot do anything to change or improve. I would be willing to be that this person has struggled in many areas of being a husband/father, including but not limited to:
• Maturing/acting like other men his age
• Inability to take responsibilities for his failures/actions
• Inflated self-importance (i.e. lies about how important his life, job, everything is)
• Used/uses his wife/child to garner attention from family members/friends, yet is standoffish and or a different person when not in a public setting of people he deems that his image is important
• Continues to seek and/or try to impress younger, less mature women than himself and his mate. Usually girls that would think that he is the “cooler older guy that is cute”.
• Struggles in conversation with mature, educated and confident females.
• Only things that affect him and his well-being is a true problem to him, other problems are “not his concern” and therefore he shouldn’t be bothered with or have to deal with.
• I would bet that he was horrible at assisting with the child when the child was ill and it affected his schedule, time with friends, however if there were grandparents or friends that his image was important to him, he would be “great” in their presence.
I could go on and on.

LC if I’m wrong please say so and I will apologize and shut my big yapper.

[LifeChanges]

I would not label him a narcissist, but he does have some traits. Like you said, everybody has narcissistic traits to some degree. However, I do think he has an addictive personality. There is always some kind of addiction for him to focus on. Moving from hard drugs, to softer drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gaming, gambling, spending. It's always something. I think he does it to take his mind off something. What that something may be, I will probably never know.

[cap1015]

I would not label him a narcissist, but he does have some traits. Like you said, everybody has narcissistic traits to some degree. However, I do think he has an addictive personality. There is always some kind of addiction for him to focus on. Moving from hard drugs, to softer drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gaming, gambling, spending. It's always something. I think he does it to take his mind off something. What that something may be, I will probably never know.

Like the man in othorpedic shoes "I now stand corrected!"

Yapper is shut, and I apologize for any misintended remarks.

Go forth and prosper and may the force be with you!

Don't take any wooden nickles and remember you can tune a guitar but you can tuna fish!

Seacrest Out.

[Nostalgic]

My father was the same. He started taking interest when I was 23/24

Mum was honest and said she tried to get him to see us but couldn't push him.
I think his new woman kept him from us.
I asked him once and that was awkward as I hardly know him. He just said "you made it clear you didn't want to discuss problems between your mum and me"
I was thinking "adult dramas are no excuse. He had a choice and made it"

My sister also has the same issue with the father of her first two.
Sadly there's nothing you can do because you can't force him but I can understand how you feel, your daughter is missing out because he's to stupid to realize what he's missing.

My brother wants nothing to do with our dad full stop. I really don't know why I keep up this new superficial relationship we have. I guess I'm more forgiving? Or stupid because it me more heartache than its worth really.

Keep your chin up. She has you and your a great mum.

[Adityasb]

I just don't get it. It's not like she was an accident. We BOTH wanted a child, then when I became pregnant he disappeared. Actually, no I take that back. He didn't disappear he just continued living like a rock star partying it up all night. You can't do that when you're pregnant. And you sure as hell can't do that once they're born. But he can, I'm here to take care of her. Why should he have to, I do well enough for the both of us.
Don't feel the need to respond to this. I just need to vent.

must be a reason. People don't change like this for no reason all of a sudden. Try find this out first.

[Guardian7347]

I don't want be arguementative but I may know more on this subject at the current time than anything I've learned or studied in my life due to a personal situation. Once you come to understand this condition and have been affected by it, the signs of others with this condition become clear to you.

Yes you do want to be argumentative! That's what we do cap, we argue with each other, and still get along just fine. Don't back out on me now!

I understand your point, but there's this common trend amongst med/nursing/psychology students. It's not unusual, as they are learning about exotic diseases/illnesses for them to see the symptoms in themselves or others, even when it's just a common cold. It's because at that time, their focus is on these things, and not the normal stuff. I think you might have the same thing going on bro. For the record, I DO know someone who is textbook narcissistic. Good friend of mine actually(as good of a friend as a narcissist can be anyway).

[cap1015]

I don't want be arguementative but I may know more on this subject at the current time than anything I've learned or studied in my life due to a personal situation. Once you come to understand this condition and have been affected by it, the signs of others with this condition become clear to you.

Yes you do want to be argumentative! That's what we do cap, we argue with each other, and still get along just fine. Don't back out on me now!

I understand your point, but there's this common trend amongst med/nursing/psychology students. It's not unusual, as they are learning about exotic diseases/illnesses for them to see the symptoms in themselves or others, even when it's just a common cold. It's because at that time, their focus is on these things, and not the normal stuff. I think you might have the same thing going on bro. For the record, I DO know someone who is textbook narcissistic. Good friend of mine actually(as good of a friend as a narcissist can be anyway).

Guardian, I understand and agree with your suggestion that some people once they discover an illness, situation tend to find that in everyone/everything. In this case however I am not a med student/etc, but due to a family situation have spent the last year involved with a person that has been traumatic at best. Being a person who believes in experts I have spent the last year in search of some answers. Once the sitution was suggested by health care providers, I/we wanted to make sure of the diagnosis. It was much worse than we feared and upon many examinations and testing, it was determined that this person had extreme borderline personality disorder and extreme narcissm. To the point that they matched the levels that are typically found in serial killers, socia/psychopaths. Not wanting to believe this I dedication myself to second opinions and research to try to deal with the situation. During this time I learned to recognize many signs/symptoms of the disorders/naricisstic traits. I agree and understand that we as humans have many of these traits and they are normal/expected, however Many times people will be labeled as selfish, immature, self-centered, etc. and their behavior is “forgiven” as it is expected that at some point they will “grow” up. Sometimes this is the case, however other times it is not and the people surrounding this person has no idea how they are being manipulated and how it will continue and only get worse with time. Many of the severe issues involve the inability of the person to love one’s own child and family except when providing that love/care/attention provides them some form of emotional return. Without this expected and required emotional benefit or return the person with the disorder has no use or actual feelings for the child, family, and friends. My point in my post was if in fact this is the case, then if you are aware and understand this, it will save some heartache and pain in the future. Currently this is limited treatment for this and it requires that the person recognize and seek treatment (which in their mental state goes against every neuron/cell of their being). The only true cure for the family is limited contact or complete separation.

So I agree it is irresponsible and way too easy just to say “everyone is narcissistic” but what I saw in LC’s post specifically in regards to a parent who appeared to have little concern for his child except when garnered attention support from his family raised one of the flags. Maybe with time he will see and miss his child and become more of a mature person and that I was wrong and he simply was just dealing with life in his way, I hope that is the case. I will admit that I have become less tolerant of people that I see have the advance traits I have discovered, not because I’m mad at them, but because I have learned that they do not think like the rest of the world and my prior tolerance was fuel for them to continue. It is amazing to see the reaction of a person with this disorder when you learn to deal with their actions, they become so aware of you and how they can try to manipulate what they need you to do or the begin avoiding you at all cost so that you don’t “out” them. their greatest fear is that they will be discovered and they will almost do anything to keep what they believe their image is. One example is the man who murdered his wife, twin sons and infant daughter, simply because he was about to be discovered for being a business fraud and subject to a jail term. When he explained why he killed them instead of just leaving he stated it was because it would be too painful for them to discover he wasn’t the wonderful father/husband they believed him to be.

I’ve rambled on way too much………………I will now shut the yapper!!!!

[Guardian7347]

I’ve rambled on way too much………………I will now shut the yapper!!!!

lol It's only rambling if the information is either incoherent or useless. Yours was neither. You're good man, no worries. I'll call you out when I think you're wrong, as I know you'll do the same for me.

[alteredmind]

I just don't get it. It's not like she was an accident. We BOTH wanted a child, then when I became pregnant he disappeared. Actually, no I take that back. He didn't disappear he just continued living like a rock star partying it up all night. You can't do that when you're pregnant. And you sure as hell can't do that once they're born. But he can, I'm here to take care of her. Why should he have to, I do well enough for the both of us.
Don't feel the need to respond to this. I just need to vent.

excuse me but why didn't you leave him when that happened, divorce him right then and there and take what you could from him, oh man, sounds like another case of girl marries sleazy asshole, gets her pregnant, then he cheats. Jeese, doesn't anyone know your supposed to sleep around "BEFORE" you have a kid or get merried UNLESS it's an open relationship. I might be wrong and If I am then I am sorry I said this

[LifeChanges]

I just don't get it. It's not like she was an accident. We BOTH wanted a child, then when I became pregnant he disappeared. Actually, no I take that back. He didn't disappear he just continued living like a rock star partying it up all night. You can't do that when you're pregnant. And you sure as hell can't do that once they're born. But he can, I'm here to take care of her. Why should he have to, I do well enough for the both of us.
Don't feel the need to respond to this. I just need to vent.

excuse me but why didn't you leave him when that happened, divorce him right then and there and take what you could from him, oh man, sounds like another case of girl marries sleazy asshole, gets her pregnant, then he cheats. Jeese, doesn't anyone know your supposed to sleep around "BEFORE" you have a kid or get merried UNLESS it's an open relationship. I might be wrong and If I am then I am sorry I said this

I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

[alteredmind]

I just don't get it. It's not like she was an accident. We BOTH wanted a child, then when I became pregnant he disappeared. Actually, no I take that back. He didn't disappear he just continued living like a rock star partying it up all night. You can't do that when you're pregnant. And you sure as hell can't do that once they're born. But he can, I'm here to take care of her. Why should he have to, I do well enough for the both of us.
Don't feel the need to respond to this. I just need to vent.

excuse me but why didn't you leave him when that happened, divorce him right then and there and take what you could from him, oh man, sounds like another case of girl marries sleazy asshole, gets her pregnant, then he cheats. Jeese, doesn't anyone know your supposed to sleep around "BEFORE" you have a kid or get merried UNLESS it's an open relationship. I might be wrong and If I am then I am sorry I said this

I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

so your saying even if he cheated, you wouldn't have left him, partially becuase of the religious weding vow?

[LifeChanges]

I am not religious. But a vow is a vow with or without the religious overtones. As you can see I broke my vow because I am no longer with him. There are some things that were done that I cannot get over.