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Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

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Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby MissVampire » Fri Sep 26, 2014 1:12 pm

This is a few pages of a book I've started to right ... what do u think of it? Is it good or should i just stop?




There was a storm that night. Thunder shattered the silence and across the ominous darkness of the sky lightning clashed like broken shards of glass . Afraid that my horse would take a fright and throw me I dismounted from the once dazzling white beast , that was now smothered with mud , and tucked my rough archaic trousers into my tough leather boots . My trousers clung to my legs so they were as heavy as lead ( which is supposed to be the heaviest metal , according to the books I’ve read ); fortunately , I could see an inviting little inn standing in the gathering mist, as if it were a lonely sea siren beckoning me to come . My breathing was troubled as I hurried along the road in a cautious haste , grasping my horses rein in my trembling hand and making sure a rebellious strand of my dark brown hair had not come loose from its concealing cap . When I finally reached the solid oak door I peered in the window to make sure it was in fact an Inn, as the picture on the sign that swung on its rusty hinges, moaning in the wind, was too faded to see. To the far end of the room blazed a comforting fire, with a black fireguard in the shape of a phoenix and dotted around were rough oaken tables , similar stools and thousand of cups of ale .There was a few shady looking men slouched down fiddling with their drinks and women pacing the room with pitchers and flirts. It seemed friendly enough and my whole body was numb with the cold as the harsh rain stung my skin and ran down my cheeks so I could bare it no more and I finally gave the door a push...

The door swung open slowly with a great creak , as it was thirsty for oil and I stepped in with my head down , trying not to be too conspicuous . A few people lifted their heads to see who had just disturbed the peace but soon got back to what they were doing (drowning their sorrows in rum most likely). My disguise was obviously working but the butterflies in my stomach had now become rabid and the colour of my face must have resembled that of a sufferer of the scarlet fever. My heavy boots squelched as I trudged slowly and sunk into the soft green carpeting , perhaps a thrown-out venetian rug of some sort that was threadbare and tattered in some parts , when I suddenly met the Landlady ,“oi! Young man look at the mess you’ve made of my lovely new carpet!” she exclaimed in a vexed tone of voice that rattled my bones. “New carpet? I mean ...” I had forgotten to use a deep voice so I used a well timed cough to cover it up “I mean I’m very sorry about your ... lovely carpet ...um I would like a room please. “as i came to the end of my sentence I realized I was making a complete fool of myself (as I usually do) and some inconsiderate men gathered around a rusty cooking pot sitting on the fire roared with laughter as one of them commented on my rosy cheeks. “Well I’ll be taking your name before you can have yourself the room” said the landlady who had calmed down “Oh it’s ... well its Samuel ... Harrington, pleased to meet you.” I suppose it would have been wiser to think of a name before I asked for a room but in the rush of madness I had not thought things through. Luckily she believed me and led me up a creaky flight of stairs and down a damp corridor, until she stopped at the third room on the right. “This is your room lad , it’s not too pretty but it’s good for a night’s sleep and the rent is more than fair ,”she said holding the flickering lantern in her great hand, she was not an old woman maybe in her 30’s ,with messy blonde hair in a frayed white bonnet and a plumb face full of colour. “I’ll come by in the morning to pick up your rent of half a crown and remember it’s to paid in full when it’s asked for or you’ll be out in the cold again lad, my names Mrs Bennett .” “Of course Mrs Bennett, good night” I mumbled warily when I was in the sanctuary of my new room and closed the door with a heave and plopped down on my bed. The room was small and bare with a single bed and a chamber pot beneath it; but it was a room nonetheless. I took my hat of my head and let my hair loose, my long curly brown hair that I had to hide and I threw my boots to the corner of the room. I’m not sure why I was still dressed as a man, maybe I had grown accustomed to the trousers or maybe I just hated the way women were treated - In this world it was so much easier to be a man and there was so much more I could do instead of being married to some idiot. Trying to suppress the rage that came from the thought of being married to a man I couldn’t stand; I lay back stiffly and closed my eyes. The wind howled all night long but the tiring events of the day kept me sound asleep, locked away in dreams of happy times as the worn brown covers clung to my damp clothes and wrapped around my slender legs...that was until the stroke of three in the morning.

The early morning soon came and rain still pounded hard against the glass as if it were trying to break in and the sound of laughter echoed through the hall sounding paranormal in nature, these disturbances accompanied with a slight fever somehow shook me from my deep sleep. I tried to slumber once again but I had the feeling of being watched by menacing eyes and the silence of the room was so deafening it was a futile attempt. I sighed deeply and clambered out of bed, tied my hair securely and wiped the sweat of my forehead. Not many people wear hats as soon as they awake ; however this was an essential part of my disguise , so I had wear it whenever there was the chance of being seen so I put it firmly on my aching head and I was once again the same young man that had entered the little Inn. The hallway was bathed in darkness as I journeyed down it in soft steeps turning my head every few seconds to make sure there were no ghouls appearing behind me and I examined each and every beautiful carving, carpet and painting. I wondered how the Mrs Bennett could afford all those fineries but the thought left my head instantly when I came across one of the most beautiful sights I had seen since I ran away... a book shelf. It was standing there like a mirage in an open room full of paintings, next to a very expensive looking green four-poster bed but none of that mattered because I plain and simply loved to read. Foolishly I walked straight in the room and feasted upon the first random book I picked, it was called Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift .I felt the delicate spine of the book with my hand, smelt the wonderful sent the pages and read the first line with great care and satisfaction as I sat down on the soft comfy bed and covered my legs with the smooth green silk cover. Listening to the faint sound of the pages nestled on top of each other was enough to stop me from realising Mrs Bennett had came through the door and said “Ah! There you are lass...enjoying my books are you? in a somewhat teasing tone of voice with full concentration on letting me know she had seen through my disguise the first time she saw me . I sat on the bed frozen to this, unable to speak until she added in a reassuring voice “Don’t worry i won’t be telling a soul about your little disguise”, “Oh god thank you! I’m sorry about your book but the door was open and I didn’t think things through..” i said with speed and Mrs Bennett interrupting said “No harm done lass , no harm done just be sure to pay your rent and get to your room before the other guests awaken” in that kind voice of hers , i felt no need to say anymore so i fiddled through my pockets and handed her the coins before i got going back to my room with a smile on my face knowing that i had someone to trust .


It had been such a rushed and confusing morning though (well a very, very early morning),that I sat down on my bed and thought it through several times before I ventured downstairs to have breakfast. Most of the customers were awake due to the very early rent collection and stared at their bowls of gruel with sleepy eyes or attempted to eat it. I sat down at an empty table and gazed at the window for a while thinking about my father, the only man who wasn’t either a fool or an ass and the only man I ever loved. He taught me how to read, how to write and all the things men are taught because he was kind hearted and believed that women were equal to men (unlike my mother who was cruel and wanted to marry me off as soon as possible) .He always used to say that not even a thousand seas could take away his love for his little princess ... he died from heart failure last week. My eyes stung with tears and I tried to put him out of my head but I could never forget his kind smile and warm brown eyes and the way he held my hand softly and said “goodbye my sweet little girl ... goodbye” and then his hand fell and the light of his warm brown eyes faded ... just faded. I hid my eyes so that no one would realize I was crying my eyes out silently and I stayed that way for an hour until I was sure my eyes were no longer red. Suddenly a bowl of sweet smelling porridge appeared on my table in a chipped little bowl “There you go sweet pea this will get you feeling better in no time” Mrs Bennett whispered softly and rubbed my back when no one was watching, she was indeed a very kind woman and I knew she was the only one I could trust for the time being “thank you” I whispered back to her and she walked off to tend to some loud customers at the back of the room. I entered the first spoonful of porridge into my mouth and let my taste buds savour and bathe in the honey sweetness a while since it was my first real meal in days and after slowly taking a few more spoonfuls I simply listened to the repetitive sound of rain on the window... plit,plat,plit,plit,plop,plat almost in a tune as if the rain was speaking to me in its strange language.Mabye nature had heard my heart shatter into even smaller pieces each day since he died and she was comforting me with her sweet melody of sadness as the raindrops rolled down the window like thousands of glimmering pearls , each one a reminder of the tears that had rolled down my cheeks. All was peaceful for a time but the rythmatic beats of the rain soon became unhearable as the silence had been destroyed by an annoying woman with an unbelievably tight corset, that seemed to make her eyes swell up and the colour of her face un-naturally pale and seriously her lips alone made her look like she came straight from a carnival.

I think i might have made up one or two words lol and trust me i will re-write the speech.
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby THEventura » Fri Sep 26, 2014 2:39 pm

MissVampire... I already told you: you have a good "style of writing", good "imagery" and partly it is really "brilliant"... i could never write stories so i cant really give any helpful response, yet not many things come to my mind which actually could be done better!! i am no native speaker in english, but... speech is very fine also, some abbreviations, which were not intended i think,,, just a matter of the writing process, right?

whatever: one WANTS TO READ ON ! ... see? :-) very well done !
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby MissVampire » Sat Sep 27, 2014 1:43 am

thank you :)
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby THEventura » Sat Sep 27, 2014 2:38 am

de nada Vampiress... you know I did some editing then back at university... (manuscripts) well, if I can be of any help to you, I like doing these stuff, so :-)
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby Caesar » Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:10 pm

You are breaking too many writing rules that aren't supposed to be broken.

Aside from not knowing the genre you're writing, and all the grammatical errors, you have some decent descriptions a reader can use to imagine what is happening. But this looks more like one page, rather than several.

Last I heard Sauron was busy writing a book as well, maybe he has some tricks of the trade you can apply to your work. If he hasn't left this site, that is.
People are like delicate puzzles. Unraveling them is most enjoyable.
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby THEventura » Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:20 pm

Last I heard Sauron was busy writing a book as well
oh well, I want to have a look inside that one, also :-) if possible, that is ;-)

me: I can't write books, I suck at it!! ... but I will try as a director: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTz-lFp ... e=youtu.be

You are breaking too many writing rules that aren't supposed to be broken.

Aside from not knowing the genre you're writing, and all the grammatical errors, you have some decent descriptions a reader can use to imagine what is happening. But this looks more like one page, rather than several.
take it as compliment ;) ;) ;) :excited:
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby calyp$o » Sun Sep 28, 2014 2:32 pm

THEventura wrote:... but I will try as a director
ME TOO !! :ecstatic: :ecstatic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRrMY1F ... e=youtu.be

u like it 2? ;)
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby MissVampire » Wed Oct 01, 2014 8:34 am

yeah i guess your right about the grammatical errors , i tend to make up words sometimes and to be honest I'm shit at punctuation (comma splices piss me off). It's a Romance - it's not that obvious when you first read it so it comes as more of a surprise (i like to surprise the reader, like i tried to make people think it was about a guy at first) ... but anyway I'm starting again coz i thought of a better story to tell :D it's around 5 pages on word (i put it into a5 - is that the right page size?)
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby MissVampire » Wed Oct 01, 2014 8:37 am

thanks for opinions btw :D
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby calyp$o » Thu Oct 02, 2014 9:18 pm

MissVampire wrote:yeah i guess your right about the grammatical errors , i tend to make up words sometimes and to be honest I'm shit at punctuation (comma splices piss me off). It's a Romance - it's not that obvious when you first read it so it comes as more of a surprise (i like to surprise the reader, like i tried to make people think it was about a guy at first) ... but anyway I'm starting again coz i thought of a better story to tell :D it's around 5 pages on word (i put it into a5 - is that the right page size?)


you are very "inventive" ... also I read the dreams you posted, dark they are, yes ... but they also display your strength ...
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Re: Your opinions on the first pages of my book.

Postby Sheena » Sat Dec 17, 2016 4:48 pm

Overwritten. Burn your computer.
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