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A poem on addiction.

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A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Sat Jan 30, 2016 11:45 am

Dark scented light, to my immediate delight shone on through my eye ways.
Nesting maggots in my eyes, I've mistaken god for flies.
Building up to what i was, newness to an old impostor, faking till you think im softer.
Satan came with darkness tongue. Liquid acid licked me till I's numb.
Newness to an old impostor changing lifes take what your offered.
Drugs and needles, lying thief.
woke up dead to my relief.
Gave my arm to doctor havoc. swelled my vein you cannot have it.Broken seal, mid elbow bend. I know what I've done, but everyone has sinned.
Waking night in cold cold sweat when it comes to dope wish we never met.
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby raymond1234 » Wed Apr 20, 2016 10:53 pm

I hope you get better.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Sat Apr 23, 2016 3:08 am

Thank you for your concern. I would like you to know, that your hope came true october 2013. I have struggled some, but mostly have been strong since then. Thank you for your hopes , They meean a life to me. :heartpump: :heartpump: :heartpump:
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:27 pm

No, it's a poem about feeling sorry for yourself.
Do the steps.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:35 am

This poem was written for the steps. Shows how much you know about progress, its been at least two years and your still trying to hurt my feelings LOL. Have to say i did miss you
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:55 pm

Which step when, surely not 11.
My still is only for clean water.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Sat Nov 11, 2017 4:59 am

and my chalice is only for the springs of eternal.
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Sun Nov 12, 2017 1:42 pm

What chalice? Nip or syringe would be more like it.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:50 am

I haven't touched a needle in over 4 years
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
spacejunkie
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Tue Dec 12, 2017 1:52 pm

Here is the original with the crap taken out and other edits mutatis mutandis. You can redo lines and spacing and some punctuation:

spacejunkie wrote:Dark scented light, immediate delight. I've mistaken god for
an old impostor, faking
changing; take what's offered.
lying, "thief!",
woke up dead to my relief.
doctor havoc, I know what I've done, but everyone [he must hope] has sinned.
cold sweat when it comes to a dope wish: we never met.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:49 am

Dark scented light, immediate delight.

I've mistaken god for an old impostor, ----- this sums it up quite simply, but when something is so complex i truly feel it needs just a little more than whats offered here.
Although i dont dislike its brievety.
faking changing; ---------- this is good, it sticks with what i had in mind,
take what's offered. ------ but this, seems out of place to me.

lying, "thief!", ---------- I feel like this should come after faking changing

woke up dead to my relief. ----------- followed by this

I still just dont like this direction for the ending. I actually hate it. The same as mine, its just everything in the orignal at the end was undermined by the last few lines.
doctor havoc, I know what I've done,
but everyone [he must hope] has sinned.
cold sweat when it comes to a dope wish: we never met.


So then if i were to try and feel out what you had done with it i would make these changes



Dark scented light, My immediate delight

I've mistaken god for the old imposter

faking changing

Lying theif

woke up dead to my relief

Take whats offered ---- although this gives me a feeling of unfinishedness so maybe it should just end at Woke up dead to my relief?




This is how the original format was which didnt get posted on here.


Dark scented light,
to my immediate delight
shone on through my eye ways. ----------- This is basically saying, My vision was obscured by something which seemed good but was in essence bad

Nesting maggots in my eyes,
I've mistaken god for flies. --------------- This is stating that it Decieved my perspective, and i fell for it, thinking it was good.

Building up to what i was, ---- this is talking about the lies I built up around myself and the persona which came with it
newness to an old impostor, _------ and that while the persona may have seemed to be changing
faking till you think im softer. ------ its only a lie, its still an imposter of myself

Satan came with darkness tongue. ------- Now I am totally aware that its no good
Liquid acid licked me till I's numb. -------- but im shut off to it.

Newness to an old impostor ----------- this is the part where change comes in for real
changing lifes ----------- Noting the change
take what your offered. ----- accepting the help

Drugs and needles, lying thief. -------- everything you were
woke up dead to my relief. -------- can dissapear, you not longer have to be like that

Gave my arm to doctor havoc. ---- I gave myself over to something chaotic and dominating
swelled my vein you cannot have it. ----- It hurt me and is no good

I never knew why i took it there, and i never like the direction it brought me, ^
and with that I absolutely hate this part Below.

Broken seal, mid elbow bend.
I know what I've done,
but everyone has sinned.
Waking night in cold cold sweat when it comes to dope wish we never met.

I never liked this part, it sounds to cry baby to me, and it doesn't really do the story justice. Sometimes i just can't go much further with an idea, and i should just leave it at that, unfinished but i hate to.
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
spacejunkie
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:58 pm

The explanations are better than the overstylized flowsy language. Don't try so hard. That isn't poetry. Here, i'll give it back to you, a few edits unavoidable:
spacejunkie wrote:something which seemed good but was in essence bad

spacejunkie wrote:i fell for it

spacejunkie wrote:lies I built up around myself
spacejunkie wrote:i am only a lie, i am still an imposter

spacejunkie wrote:
spacejunkie wrote:shut off
no good

spacejunkie wrote:change comes in for real
spacejunkie wrote:everything
spacejunkie wrote:can dissapear
spacejunkie wrote:I gave myself over to something chaotic and dominating


You could, if able, work in more truth:
spacejunkie wrote:i needs just a little more
spacejunkie wrote:I hurt me

That's it, and better that what you had before. But it is still not poetry. You have to give it structure. You are not the first with a death wish who wanted to write about ceasing to exist or becomming invisible. To reference Artaud, all writing is pigshit, anyway. The problem with your earlier efforts as you point out here is that it is all self-pity and not literature. You have to work harder for that. What is worth saying about alienation that Artaud and Baudelaire and Apollinaire have not done already? And Bukowski done better?
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:18 am

My vision was obscured
which seemed good

bad

Deceived my perspective,

thinking it was good.
saying it was good

the lies I built up around myself
the persona which came with it

the persona may seem to be changing
only a lie, still an imposter

totally aware
but shut off

Noting the change
accepting the help
- everything you were
can dissapear,
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
spacejunkie
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Sun Dec 17, 2017 1:05 pm

You really can be a waste of time. You put the crap right back in. There is nothing poetic about it. Maybe a sketch for an introduction to your memoir. So far you have nothing to say but to recount an autobiographical experience. That would be for a journal to keep to yourself or a memoir, both in [u]prose[/u]. Poetry is not merely the puerile invention of many metaphors, which is all that you do. Study real poetry first, then challenge yourself to write " real toads in imaginary gardens" according to Marianne Moore.
Look at the paintings of Kasimir Malevich. He was the first to make pictures which were not pictures of something. All you are saying with this subjective and individualized junk is Look at me, i am a loser, i feel bad, pity me. If you aspire to literature worthy in that direction, you must study what has been done already. The standouts being Coleridge, Ancient Mariner, and Goethe, Young Werther. Emulate them, now you have no chops. Do your homework before passing in your snot for your assignment.
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby spacejunkie » Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:07 am

Sheena not every one has to live up to the expectations you hold. Your right, i have no skill, no talent, no knowledge of literature I didn't get the opportunity to go to high school full time. I'm doing the best I can. You can either help me or If you don't think my poetry is worthy of your time, just stop what your doing, and go read yeats.
Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom.
spacejunkie
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Re: A poem on addiction.

Postby Sheena » Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:10 pm

You are not doing the best you can. You can study and practice and make sure you do not keep repeating the same errors and bad taste.
James Joyce wrote, i cannot express myself in English without enclosing myself in a tradition.
You think you are better than him? Joyce was a lousy poet.
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