I belong to the temple of myself

[amyhikel]

Dozens of shoes lined the entranceway; I was born into a home of 19 children. We were two families-- one consisting of 14 and ours of 8 including my mother-- recovering and discovering how to be part of the real world. For many, the aftermath of years spent in a religious cult-- whether one was born into it like my siblings experience, or if one was recruited from the fragile age of 18, dedicating 15 years, like my mother-- is a tough transition. I was born into a heavy air. There was a hatred towards my mother, and an even stronger hatred of this God fellow.

I've decided that I come from some very weak and twisted parents. My father had to be a monster. All I hear is good things about him. How gentle and loving and how devoted to Jesus he was. But he has got to be a sick man to recruit my young and naive mother into a highly controlled, highly sexual cult. And she has got to be a weak woman to let herself be controlled and become part of the games that they played in the name of God. These people were so weak and fearful that they needed not just Jesus so badly to lean on, but an earthly leader. He was not just any leader-- A twisted man, who had much power, but may have been the weakest of them all. This was a man who was ousted from society for his sexual obsessions and doomsday inclinations, but somehow managed to have a following of hundreds of thousands across the world. David "Grandpa" Berg was his name. To his followers he was an ordained prophet. His doctrine and interpretations on Christianity was truth. When he decided polygamy was acceptable and encouraged by the Lord, so did his "flock."

"Religion is a cult with more members." I remember reading this on a bumper sticker the other day. I resonate with it. People are so afraid of death that they go to an ancient book, or the ordained for guidance. God is the one man whose credentials are irrelevant. He is truth. Holiness is infallible. But I beg to differ. It seems like a scam to me. It seems like a scheme to divide and control the population. Why would you put blind trust in this book that has caused so many wars, murder, and persecution? Just like the "Jesus freaks" of the Family put blind faith into some creep who ended up creating a hierarchy amongst "the children of God" who believed they were enlightened beyond the rest of the world who they deemed "systemites." There was Berg's doctrine, "Shepards" and "shepardess", there were molesting uncles and abusing aunts, and at the lowest rungs of the hierarchy were the hundreds of thousands of children the most vulnerable-- victims of sexual, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual abuse. And all is committed out of fear and in the name of God.

A favorite poet of mine, Khalil Gibran wrote about teaching; he said, "If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind." I couldn't agree more. Spirituality is personal. Instead of turning to outside views on the meaning of life, wouldn't it be wise to turn to oneself, to see what oneself feels about the spirit? Spiritual leaders ought to guide, not declare doctrine. There is only one doctrine and it lies within. If there is a God, I'll find him on my own terms.

[crimsonleigh]

Wow...you have really lived within extreme circumstances. It really sounds like you need to get a lot of stuff out. I obviously don't know you, but gathering from your post, it really kind of sounds like you are more together than you have any right to be, if it was as bad as the way you described. You have experienced some serious situations, and of course, that has taken it's toll. I hope you have someone or more that you can talk to about your life and family, and lean on. I know a lot of people that I believe have never experienced what love is supposed to be; how it's supposed to feel, and how it feels to be treated properly.
I have experienced some trauma in my life, and those memories aren't going anywhere. I know I can't "fix" your problems, and really, I think even if a person could be "fixed" like a car, the only one who could do it is oneself. However, I would like to tell you some of my observations, in hopes that it may help, or at least get you thinking more optimistically. I will never be the type of person that has a lot of hope in people's good will; I have been treated badly by most of them. I do believe in God, however. I think that you are right in the sense that you will, ultimately, affirm and develop your spirituality and relationship with God from within. I think that your personal relationship with God is the most important thing; above doctrine. The problem with religion is the same problem with a lot of things in this world; food, wine, politics, sex...those things are not bad in and of themselves, they're ruined, by people who are consumed by proud ignorance, fear, greed, you name it. People abuse those things, and the blame ends up on the idea or the thing, instead of those who abused it. Religion is just tricky, because people are involved, and you can't necessarily trust someone, just because they claim this or claim that. People abuse power, ideas, feelings, anything at all, because they succumb to the tricks that evil plays on them.
I do have to say of course, there are good people in the world; just not as many as your average dumb dumbs or psychos. The people we have seen dolling out the abuse are nothing more than toys; little toys that evil likes to play with. I really hope that you do not lose your faith because of abusive people. Because you are aware of the injustices done to you, it means you are capable of discerning between right and wrong. I wish I could believe more people are capable of that, but I'm not so sure. I've known people who have had trauma in their past who have gone one of two ways with it; they hold onto it, harbor resentment and bitterness, and allow it to chip away at them, or even use it as an excuse to become an abuser themself. OR, (the less common route) they use it, by gaining strength and wisdom, and spreading that to others who have experienced trauma and need help.
Take from this what you want, or take nothing. If anything else, know that I sincerely hope that you can mend.

[smartatart]

i hate cults. they change peoples idea of God into some twisted monster. God never encouraged any of that. If its not in the Bible than its not true. Because of cults it has caused people to falsely follow the wrong ideas and get others thinking how bad a guy God is.

[paulo]

Dozens of shoes lined the entranceway; I was born into a home of 19 children. We were two families-- one consisting of 14 and ours of 8 including my mother-- recovering and discovering how to be part of the real world. For many, the aftermath of years spent in a religious cult-- whether one was born into it like my siblings experience, or if one was recruited from the fragile age of 18, dedicating 15 years, like my mother-- is a tough transition. I was born into a heavy air. There was a hatred towards my mother, and an even stronger hatred of this God fellow.

I've decided that I come from some very weak and twisted parents. My father had to be a monster. All I hear is good things about him. How gentle and loving and how devoted to Jesus he was. But he has got to be a sick man to recruit my young and naive mother into a highly controlled, highly sexual cult. And she has got to be a weak woman to let herself be controlled and become part of the games that they played in the name of God. These people were so weak and fearful that they needed not just Jesus so badly to lean on, but an earthly leader. He was not just any leader-- A twisted man, who had much power, but may have been the weakest of them all. This was a man who was ousted from society for his sexual obsessions and doomsday inclinations, but somehow managed to have a following of hundreds of thousands across the world. David "Grandpa" Berg was his name. To his followers he was an ordained prophet. His doctrine and interpretations on Christianity was truth. When he decided polygamy was acceptable and encouraged by the Lord, so did his "flock."

"Religion is a cult with more members." I remember reading this on a bumper sticker the other day. I resonate with it. People are so afraid of death that they go to an ancient book, or the ordained for guidance. God is the one man whose credentials are irrelevant. He is truth. Holiness is infallible. But I beg to differ. It seems like a scam to me. It seems like a scheme to divide and control the population. Why would you put blind trust in this book that has caused so many wars, murder, and persecution? Just like the "Jesus freaks" of the Family put blind faith into some creep who ended up creating a hierarchy amongst "the children of God" who believed they were enlightened beyond the rest of the world who they deemed "systemites." There was Berg's doctrine, "Shepards" and "shepardess", there were molesting uncles and abusing aunts, and at the lowest rungs of the hierarchy were the hundreds of thousands of children the most vulnerable-- victims of sexual, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual abuse. And all is committed out of fear and in the name of God.

A favorite poet of mine, Khalil Gibran wrote about teaching; he said, "If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind." I couldn't agree more. Spirituality is personal. Instead of turning to outside views on the meaning of life, wouldn't it be wise to turn to oneself, to see what oneself feels about the spirit? Spiritual leaders ought to guide, not declare doctrine. There is only one doctrine and it lies within. If there is a God, I'll find him on my own terms.

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what amazing clarity of mind your experiences have given you, that clarity is something that many others will struggle to find maybe because their lives were not as challanging as yours has been,
"no one ever heard of the genius who had a happy childhood"